Blog Postings

holy crap.
In the year of 2011, I had 93 posts.  In the year of 2012, I had 30 posts.
...
I could blame high school but really it's just my laziness.  And the fact my depression is a wild roller coaster ride of weirdness.
But yeah.
I've changed a lot even in just two years.  It's... strange.
luckily it's been mostly for the better.

...
Yup.  This is a rather unsubstantial post.
I can make up for it with a poem.  Maybe.
Do I have one I haven't shared yet?  I probably do...
Or I could do an old one... noo.  that's not cool.
maybe I could write one.
ehh.

Okay I found one.  I posted it on Facebook originally.  But here it is (and it's recent!):

I just want to curl up and cry,

Be weak on the outside.

But I just smile like I'm alright,

Pretending I'm dancing in the light.

Because I look around and see the pain,

And say, "They have it worse than me."

I have a home, family, friends,

I'm not rich but we make our ends.

I still want to cry.

There are days I wake up hoping to die.

But my problems are tiny, they don't count,

So I fake a smile, I pretend I'm alright,

But is being the strong one, the kind one, really worth the fight?

Talking in Circles

How do I describe what I'm feeling?  Something concrete.  I'm so used to writing a poem, at least where it will be public, that I don't know what I can say.
I feel sort of... I don't know.  I guess the word to sum it all up doesn't exist.  It's a bunch of bits and pieces that co-exist, even though you'd think that they could never be together.  It feels like... I'm tearing, a bit.  Tearing at the seams.  I'm figuring things out.  And I have so much more to learn.
I had it all thought out, somehow, and then I forgot it.  I guess writing isn't something to put off, not even know.  Emotions are as powerful as tidal waves, but much quicker to leave.  Or much longer to linger.  Sometimes, even, both.
I'm sitting here with a cat in my lap.  Pretty sure this is the longest she's stayed in my lap without constant thinking.  Maybe Babey knows.  Maybe she just needs me as much as I need her.  That'd be new.
I fit everywhere but belong nowhere.  I work so hard to get along with everyone... except it's not effort.  It's just me.  I care about people; I can't really help it... I can't help that I have so much emotion that the logic is just sort of a facade I put up.  I am an emotional creature.  I go with more what feels right than what seems right.  There's a difference.
Like, God and Jesus Christ.  It feels right.  He's my Savior; Heavenly Father sent Him, His only begotten Son, to die for us.  And He did, willingly.  But it doesn't feel right for homosexuality to be wrong.  It doesn't feel right for something that someone can't help to be wrong.  And love is love, and in Heaven suddenly the love between two people is... gone?  or changed?  Suddenly a woman and a woman, or a man and a man, who kissed and went on dates and who cared for each other, suddenly that's no longer applicable?
Maybe I'll just forfeit the afterlife.  There's so many questions and for some of my questions... the answers are highly unappealing.  I'll forfeit the afterlife, yeah.  I'd like to see that happen.  Be left, wandering, through worlds and time and never fade to oblivion or go to Heaven or whatever.  It's an interesting thought.
Fading to oblivion feels wrong.  Being nothing. Your experience, your memories, your self... gone, poof!  That feels wrong.  I don't think people who think that's what happens have ever... imagined it.  There's nothing.  There's no you.  And... you don't matter.  Life doesn't matter.  Nothing matters; there's no purpose or reason.
Any other afterlife explanation, there's still... something.  Hope.  Light at the end of the tunnel, or at least still you.
And all this crap is probably pissing people off or at least going way above their heads, but whatever.  My blog, I can do what I want.  And I need to let steam off.
I should be doing homework and chores, but... this is more important.  Mental health first, yeah?  Though I'm sure people disagree.  But whatever.  Opinions are opinions.
Agree to disagree.
For once let's look at everything with wonder.  I want to do that, all the time.  It's like - it's all magic, in a way.  I want things to be without description.  Being a kid is so easy in some ways... there's still wonder in the world.
That wonder goes away as you realize the world is a cruel, cruel place.  It's not fair.  It's never fair.  But then, I don't think anyone knows what fair is.  Would it be better, or worse?  That's a good question...
I guess, all that's left, are questions.  And really all you can do is feel your way through them.  Logic, knowledge, whatever... It isn't really effective.  In the end it comes down to what you do in that moment, and everyone knows what that is.
If it's not instinct, it's emotion.

Pete Seeger - Vietnam Protest Songs of the 60's and 70's

I planned to write this, for school, with the intent to have it seem all professional.  And then my opinions were changed.  It will continue to be professional; however, there will be some first person in it.  My heart was touched, my passion ignited, and sometimes I just have to write what I feel.  That being said, I’ll get to the essay part.

Originally my song choice was “Bring ‘Em Home” by Pete Seeger.  While I shall still focus on the song, I must also mention more of his post-Vietnam-war life.  He was an activist in every sense of the word - he was an activist for bettering the world.  From his Clearwater project for the Hudson River, to his music, he wanted to improve the whole world.  “Bring ‘Em Home” focuses on saying that the best way to support the 19-year-olds of the Vietnam war is to bring them home and not keep them in Vietnam.

But there’s one thing I must confess (bring ‘em home, bring ‘em home), I’m not really a pacifist, he sings.  He says common beliefs of the era - Vietnam was not the place to be.  However, he was a patriot first and foremost and he would fight for his country if the need arose.  But he wouldn’t support a war that wasn’t for his country.  And Vietnam wasn’t a war for his country.
The House of Un-American Activities committee actually took interest in Pete Seeger because of his songs.  While most called upon the fifth amendment or pleaded guilty, he used the first amendment to aid him.  He brought his banjo and sang.  In turn, he got blacklisted.
Despite this, he continued to sing.  He actually popularized the song “How Can I Keep from Singing?”  It’s a song of inner peace and joy: No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging.  Since love is lord of Heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?
 He lived his life with passion - and in turn found inner peace peace.  He was a journalist, a singer, someone who was ready to improve the world.  He founded a project to clean the Hudson River.  In May 2011, it had been going on for 45 years and is still running today.  It was a project started because of the poetry of an ever-flowing creation.  And it worked - the Hudson river is becoming cleaner even today.
Pete Seeger was a singer, a journalist, and an instrumentalist (A Tribute to Pete Seeger mentions that he became highly skilled with the banjo) who fought to better this world.  How could that not touch a heart, when you realize that since the 1930’s he has been singing and writing for the world’s betterment?  It especially touched my heart because throughout his life he accomplished a great many things.  I can only hope, as a writer and songstress myself, that one day I can do as much as he did.
As Pete Seeger said in Bring ‘Em Home: I may be right, I may be wrong (bring ‘em home, bring ‘em home), But I got a right to sing this song.  Not only did Pete Seeger have a right to sing his songs, he also had a pull to (as exemplified in "How can I keep from Singing?").  He wanted to change the world - and, in a few small ways at least, he did.

Bibliography

<Ruehl, Kim (and commenters). "A Tribute to Pete Seeger on His 92nd Birthday." No Depression Americana and Roots Music. No Depression Americana and Roots Music, 03 May 2011. Web. 12 Jan. 2013.>

<Clearwater Sloop. "The Clearwater Story." Hudson River Sloop Clearwater. Clearwater, n.d. Web. 12 Jan. 2013.>

<Capaldi, Jim. "Bring Them Home." Pete Seeger Appreciation Page. Storm King Music, 1996. Web. 12 Jan. 2013.>