Hero

Of the ash and dust that's around me,
I will make myself the hero I need.
The sky's turned black with memory
And there's only fear as far as the eye can see.

With everything lost, and despair the seed,
I will find the hope I have not yet sought.
I am ill-prepared, but I don't yet bleed
From all the scratches and scarecrows I read.

At the end of the world, I stood and fought;
And in the ashes, I am still determined to breathe.
Though I'm trapped, and the ropes pulled taut
I will not give in and perish the thought.


Around me, it seems the darkest storms seethe -
Wild and dark, yet they do not touch me -
And now at the end my sword, I sheathe -
While hope, lingering, a baby that teethes.

I am the hero that I've wanted to be,
Stronger than the stories you've shared.
I am a hero, of my own desperate plea
And have become more than I've dreamed.

I Retreat To Words

Here I am, and I retreat to words again.
I am burning up inside, smoke spilling out of my lungs
And I choke, halting, giving up my nature and pushing something else there instead.
It is stones and rock and I am sinking
But the water does not quench the fire
And instead there are two things on which to suffocate.

I am broken-hearted and shattered across the floor,
Put together with tape and glue as I fight everything that's wrong with me,
As I climb over the ladder and scream to the stars.
I will not fail here.
No matter how broken.

I am still living, I am still screaming - a voice alone is still a voice,
A voice unheard is a voice worth hearing, worth listening to.
So give me my voice and let me build myself up -
Use the words I've always known, and make something of myself
That is not the past but the coming dawn, tides that save the starfish in the pools.

I find myself making metaphors and mysteries,
Crafting tabloids and falsities,
As I smile and lie until I feel better inside.
I love myself at last, and that means anger and rage and boundaries and
I can finally say part of me at least is pure and utter spite.

The headlines ring like bells as I remember who I am,
Dirt and grass and someone who loves with all she is.
I will not forget, there's only room for forgiving
If you want to keep yourself sane and breathing.

I am smoke, water, tape and glue - a fire raging, an inferno burning
The story of the starfish and the world, footprints in the sand,
A soul brighter than anything that tries to quench its potential.
And I know this hurts - fuck, it hurts! - but I am still something.

Here's the line in the sand: I am worth knowing
And I will not turn a person away but for the breaking
So if I am out of your life, remember -
This one's all on you.  Envy my wings as I fly.

Here I am, and I retreat to words again,
Because words are the only friends worth loving -
And I spin my web and build my walls and wait for someone else to do the breaking,
That maybe 'shattered' is enough and being broken is a thing worth doing -
I am worth being.

Still Alive

SO!

I'm in Utah now.  I hate it.  I wish I was not in Utah.

I... made a plan to, by the upcoming Saturday, have written what amounts to about 45k words (overestimating, though); divided up it equaled 3.5k words or something per day, as I planned this on Tuesday.

Three days ago I started playing Furcadia.  And Toontown.  And have now completely gotten sidetracked.

Goddamnit.  Why am I like this.

ANYWAY.  In other news, I'm currently working on a skin for a dream in Furcadia, and... have not played as much Toontown as I was planning on.  Oh well.  Either way, I'm going to... make a dream in Furc... and that'll happen.  Maybe.

I also have more writing to do.

But hey!  A blog update!  Yeehaw!  If I can keep this consistent, maybe I can get working on Talisman and my fanfics!

OH YEAH - I have a beta reader who is actually BETA READING.  So that's nice.  I also had another person besides my mother read the prologue and chapter one.  Sooo... hopefully this individual will read through chapter two when he's done with chapter one.  I've been editing for him, so it's been a fun bout of... semi-productivity.

Also, I can type Japanese on my computer.

日本語をちょっとまってはなします。Thanks to Duolingo, anyway.

It's been nice.  Maybe I'll get my shit together and start earning money from writing.  Maybe.  Furcadia is just another possible source... I mean, I'm pretty good at editing graphics these days, if I do say so myself.  I could make skins for people's dreams.  Custom skins are pretty.  Custom graphics are pretty.  I may have like 1 art skill but dangit, I can put other pictures together and even art some basic things.

Is it weird that the different layout for my blog startled me?  Yeah, I saw it and was kind of like "what the heck...?"

And then I remembered and reread a few posts.

I REALLY need to get back to posting regularly.  Maybe I can schedule something on a calendar or set an alarm?

We'll see.

Hello yes the years-old layout has been improved and is now updated.

I like this much better.

More changes are to come.  I'm ready to get my shit together.

What a miracle.

Let's Talk

Oh, hey.

I don't know if anyone still reads this.  I was posting infrequently in the first place, and then I missed three whole months.  Two whole months?  Whatever.  Multiple years of at least one post a month and I totally killed the thing.

I'm moving to Utah.  I'm not looking forward to it.

I finished my novel.  My beta readers are slow and only one is actually doing what they're supposed to... that is, beta read.

I have a reasonable number of projects (that is, less than five) and I am slowly working on them.  I'm hoping to set up a Patreon next month, and have my projects being published.

So I've been kind of dead on my feet, lately.  I have no energy.

But if you're still here, so am I.

And BOY does my layout need an update.  My blog needs a BIG update.

So I'll work on that at some point.  Maybe.

Yup yup.

A Letter to Myself (And Anyone Who Needs It)

Hey, there.

I am taking this moment of clarity, when the anxiety and depression have subsided, to remind you.

There are good things in the world.

You are one of them.

You are not a burden, or a monster, or overly needy or clingy.  YES, you need attention.  That's okay.  Humans are social creatures and, regardless of your thoughts about being human, that's what you are right now.

You give as much as you take.  You give MORE than you take, even.  There have been times when you have damaged your own health, both mental and physical, in order to help other people.  You shy away from asking for help.
Don't shy away.  You are surrounded by people who love you, regardless of your thoughts on how worthy you are of that love.  They will help you.

You are not bad.

You are not wrong.

There is hope in the world.

You've finally seen it.

It doesn't get better, but it doesn't get worse, either.  There is light points, high points, and pits of deep despair.  You have hit rock bottom before.  You will hit it again.

You will also walk on air, be madly in love, and get almost everything you want.

The universe is not capricious or cruel.  You are someone who is here, now, and that matters.  That counts for something.  That is so much more than random chance; that is generations building up to the you.

You do not need to follow the lines society sets before you.  You do not have to pretend to have adult interests or do anything that people expect.  People will stare.  People will judge.

But with all that judgment there will also be people like you, who know what it's like, and who aren't afraid to admit that, well, okay, they don't follow society's expectations either.

You exist in this moment for a reason.  Now is the only time the world - nay, the universe - can have you.  It has been waiting for you for so long.  There are people who need to meet you.  Some of them have.  Some of them are still waiting for the exact blend of personality and interests and talents that is you.

There are other people who like to read, who are good at writing, who are kind, who are stubborn.  But none of them are exactly that in exactly your way.  There have been so many people that have come before you, and only you can be you.

You are waiting for the opportunity, and the opportunity is waiting for you.  It is hard, now.  And it will be hard, later.  You know it was hard, then.  But even though it's hard, there are times when it will be easy.  You will find the good.  You will find the happy.

Take a deep breath.

You're not alone, but you are unique.  You are more than chance.

And if you ever find that you get too tired, that's okay.

You haven't lost the battle.

You did what you needed to do.

Just believe in yourself.  Believe in your friends.  Believe in all the love in the world and have, just for a little longer, a little bit of faith in humanity.

You've made it this far.

What's one day more?

Link this, copy and paste the text and share it, whatever.  I only ask that if you copy and paste it somewhere else you say it's by "Kunabee" (that's it), but honestly... if someone could use it.  If you want.  Just share it.

I don't touch my blog in a while, and I find spam comments.

I find spam comments on posts idolizing suicide.

jeez, spam bots.  no tact.

Let me fix this.