Split

I know I smile, I have to be happy,
Life is too good to cry.
And inside and outside I give every bit of love,
I only have so much joy I can give,
And here it is, I do my best.
I'm nowhere near perfect.

Why am I so stuck on the past, the moment,
The future, all haunting me as I suffocate.
I keep panicking, freaking out,
The smallest things have me broken down.
I'm sick of the world and everything else,
But there's no way to get out.

I'm so lost and so confused,
It's impossible to make sense,
Have you ever been so happy,
And so miserable at the same time?
I'm split in two, and before it was death,
But now I choose to live.

A Cup

I haven't been posting class Maya projects even though I've done plenty, but I've been working on a personal one.  Yes, I do get my work done.  Anyway, here's a cup.  I did it by myself ;D  Thanks to someone in my class (you know who you are) for the transperancy and how to create water tips.

The Smile in the Words

I've been looking through past writings.  All sorts of writings, all of them that I've done.  And no matter how sad the poem is, or how much it says about hurting, there's something happy in it.  There's something that comes from the strength of Christ, and the strength of me, and the love and the hope and the faith that needed to be.
There's a smile in the words.
In all the misery of the world, there are always a smile in the words.  The words that share the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that speak across worlds and people of what we share.  There's a sky that changes color, and a planet supporting us, and causes all over to support.
We're made of the same stuff, of matter and particles and atoms and elements, and the same ability to love - and to hate.
Words have spoken to me.  They are how I speak, how I show how I care, how I give of myself - both to my Father in Heaven and to others.  They have spoken to me with a song and a book.  It hits home, now.  I am loved.  I can do anything.  I am not forgotten.  I matter, somewhere in this impossibly big and infinitely small world.
And so the smile in the words have shown me faith.

The smile in the words you can barely see,
But between the lines there is infinity,
There's a lack of colors, but a closer look,
Reveals reds and golds and blues and yellows,
Greens and purples and browns and oranges,
All hover there, pale little smiles,
And you look back over the words,
Take it piece by piece,
Suddenly you realize and suddenly you see.

What you thought was misery,
Is much more simple, much more pretty,
It is hope and faith and want for better,
Laughter, longing, loneliness, love,
And peace, above all others,
Saying that peace will come, but slowly,
And these words, thoughts, are all hidden,
Waiting to be taken in.
Slowly you gather the smile in the words,
Then rip it into pieces.

And the fact is these pieces will fly,
Around the world and back again.
They won't be forgotten.
Because there is love and piece and harmony,
By taking action you have changed a course,
Something that would lead only to destruction.
Self-destruction is the bitterest thing,
But by something that goes by the name charity,
The smile in the words is His spirit.

Admire

A hero is someone who
Is not afraid of death or pain,
Not afraid to stand alone,
But afraid of what will happen if they don't,
Scared of what will happen if they deny all they
Love, and believe.

I hope to be a hero,
I wish to be a healer of hearts.
Because when the heart breaks,
It's as if anything that was good or is good has gone,
Leaving behind any faith that was, before, manageable,
I wish to change this.

A point of view is that a hero saves lives,
And we call them fireman, and policeman,
Never realizing that, if not for the smaller heroes,
Friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers,
There would be no lives to save,
The rescuees beyond broken.

So if I can be a hero,
Like all the ones I admire,
I will brace myself on what I know as truth:
I am important, special, called to do something great.
My Father in Heaven with His gentle hand,
Sometimes faith is slow in coming.

Words to Say

Words once came easy,
They were endless and boundless.
Now I find it difficult
To even find words to say
"Hello, I missed you, I love you.
I'm angry at you but please come home,
I'm begging you to change."
And I can't even say the last part,
It's too hard on me.

My heart is aching, sore and tender,
There's a deep happiness in it,
Laughter and of youth,
But I feel just about ancient,
Feel like I've done all I could.
I'm stuck in a rut and I'm scared.
I'm just a little girl who's crying,
And I know why but I can't place words,
And the reasons are like the stars, anyway.

And when someone else is hurting,
I always blame myself,
I couldn't get there in time, I wasn't born soon enough,
Or maybe I didn't something wrong again.
So I smile and laugh and say I'm amazing,
While the whole time I'm feeling like I'm evil,
And wondering if both are wrong.
What was once so easy for me to see and feel,
Now I have no clue of the words to say.

And this is the best I can do,
Letting it all out in uneven words,
Echoes of my emotions falling into place,
I'm praying that someone will realize, will see,
That I'm not alone, but I can't explain what's wrong,
I know I'm different from everyone else,
But I'm uncertain just how far, and if that's special,
I am a daughter of God and I'm giving up.
I don't have the words to say why.

Optimism

Optimism is like silt, or dirt, or dust.
But either way it's very thin.
It's still a solid, not a liquid or a gas, but it's easy to just let slip through your fingers.
It goes away, wanting to fly, but it tortures you too.
It stays there, wanting to make the world happy, but still flying.
So you grab on to the bits and pieces and try to put them together like a puzzle, but it's really not that easy.
You'd be shocked at how immature people can be, no matter their age.
I always associated wisdom with kindness.  Does that mean a few people are wise?
Little children, who don't have a care or hatred yet and still, must be the wisest of all.
I want to be young again.
I had optimism them, and it's a lot of learning how to hold optimism.  When did I forget how?

Versus

It's gone from "How much am I loved?" to "How much do people hate me?"
Seriously, can I just be me without being unsatisfactory to SOMEONE?
I already feel bad enough.
Leave me alone.
Let me GET OVER IT.
Have some patience.
Stop attacking me.
Seriously.
I can't take it.
I would put a threat here but there's not much I can do.  Besides, I actually care, and I don't want to upset people more then I already have.
Yeah, the one person in the universe who still cares.