My Brain Has Issues

Oh boredom, my wonderful friend.

In order of occurance, though not necessarily time drawn.

Games and Thoughts

Air Pressure
An open ended game.  Draw your own conclusions of what it could be.  Read carefully, look through the subject.  Getting all three endings (in my first three plays, woot!) and reading all the comments, I still don't know what the subtext is.  A very... sad, sort of game, it definitely touches your emotions.  Worth playing.

Grace's Diary
Not as obscure as Air Pressure, this focuses on Teen Dating Abuse.  The website that hosts it is mentioned very jarringly in the game, so fair warning...
Anyway, definitely worth getting all three endings.  It's pretty clear what's going on, but the emotions... oh, goodness.

Now that I've thrown out the games that have lead me to the thoughts I shall now describe... well, I'll describe the thoughts. (redundancy(sp?) and improper grammar for the win)
If there was a spoiler button I'd put it here... Play the Air Pressure before reading the rest of the post.  I don't want to do anything to change/ruin Air Pressure for you.  Play it before reading!!!!!

One person said that Air Pressure detailed depression.  It's an "excuse" to be sad and once you free yourself of it you can be happier.  No.  It is an honest-to-goodness mental disease.  There's many types of depression, seasonal, situational, clinical, etc.  I have clinical depression, and having inherited it from my dad, trust me, I know plenty about it.
My dad loves my mom; my mom loves my dad.  And yet my dad nearly destroyed this family.  He didn't want to.  He tried.  But there was a demon in him, and he lost it.  Depression also is more then just sadness.  In the case of both myself and my dad, it's anger.  For me, I'm angry at myself - I don't tend to get angry at other people.  For my dad, not only is he angry at himself, he spreads that out.
And oh, my goodness.  You want to be happy.  You are desperate to be happy.  Except you aren't.  Except it's not as simple as you want it, as you need it to be.
Depression is a serious mental disease.  It is not an "excuse".  It is not something you can just "be free of".  Even depression that isn't a disease is a serious issue.  If you're depressed, it's not a matter of freeing yourself; it's a matter of getting the help you need now.  If it's weeks after your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with you, and you're still moping around, not wanting to do stuff, that is a serious issue.
Depression isn't anything YOU cause.  It is literally a misfire in your brain.  You can't just free yourself of it, no matter what type it comes in.  Air Pressure does not describe depression.  Abusive relationship, drug addiction, cutting, sure.  But depression?  No.  You just can't simply be free of it.  You can get the help you need, sure.  But many people have to take medication, because you can't just say, "K, I want to be happy."
I wish I could.  I wish I could say, "I want to be happy" and be happy.  But it isn't that easy.  So many times I want to be happy... There's a destructive cycle I constantly go down.  I'm unhappy.  I get frustrated with myself for being unhappy.  I get angry for being frustrated with myself.  I hate myself because I need to forgive myself.  I hate myself for hating myself.... and on and on it goes.  I want to be happy, and in many times I can.  But there's many cases where I can't be happy.... and many cases where I don't want to be happy and hate myself for not wanting to be happy.
(If I roll in self-pity I despise myself for it.  Seriously.  And then I get all angry at me because I hate me and... you can pretty much apply the destructive cycle for any negative feeling I get.)
Depression is a serious and very real disease that you can't just "get rid of".  It's a serious and very real problem that requires getting help.  Don't push it to the side.

It Doesn't Go Away

Saying your good-byes, waving a flag
a flag stained with barbeque sauce and tears
torn and covered with an ugly patch
making it old, dead,
like you wish they weren't.

Because, even now, years later,
saying your good-byes, waving your old, dusty flag,
filled with memories,
you remember them; they aren't forgotten,
their memories hover out of sight, just behind your eyes,
and nobody will notice.

It doesn't go away,
the pain,
you remember until you lose,
and every single life you find
you see it goes away
and that loss stays.

I remember yesterday
it hurt just like today
I remember when they were gone
it hurts less,
but it doesn't go away.

Saying your good-byes, waving that ruined flag,
holding out your memories like an offering of peace,
clinging to each precious reminder of the ones you loved,
calling a truce with God,
blaming you, blaming others,
Remembering how they looked when they died.

Say your good-byes, wave the ancient flag,
because this loss is not the last,
it goes on and on, until you want to scream,
and then it will be you,
who watches them
wave their flags, say their good-byes.

They'll say their good-byes, wave those silly flags,
tears in their eyes, say good-bye,
say good-bye as it's your turn to leave,
and you'll cry too, if only because you know
it doesn't go away.

Variance

Incandescence with
its held-tight light; fate forgot
to remember me

The mirror consists only
of variance and these lies
covering our hope

A black sheet of death
the shroud covering our hearts
hatred has still won

Do not give in yet
because these things are changing
faith has remained here.

I am bitter, and I am cold
And these words, empty,
The ones that can't be told.
I am unspoken in many ways;
I have been broken too many times,
I have written in blood,
I have made meaningless rhymes.

I have a soul, it is here in me,
It is broken, like my heart,
Both are caged; neither free.
I have written words impossible;
It is the speaking which I cannot say,
I have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Night always turns into day.

How can I say what cannot be said?
I must keep it locked up, or else,
And the rest I keep inside my head.
Oh, but it's my heart that carries the weight:
it is my heart that has lost the war.
What war?  what battle? there is neither:
I am confused in my very core.

What words can tell you what I need to say?
What words can tell you the unmentionable?
When it must be silent there is no way;
when there are no words it cannot be found.
I would say, but there's more then what you think.
I am chilled, I am happy and sad,
Happiness is gone in a blink.

What heart but mine can hold the worst,
What soul but mine can be broken and whole,
It seems sometimes that I will burst,
For what I hold inside is my secret.
I would tell you, but I cannot,
There is more then these words.
There is more then what I've sought.

Furcadia and the Fact I'm Now Obsessed with my Online Persona

*pokes title*  That's a good summary.  Well, on Furcadia, I just bought two floxes for life (that means they NEVER EVER GO AWAY).  What's a flox?  The picture above is what a flox is.  I've wanted a flox since the second grade, when I first joined Furcadia.  And I got two, one for my main alt, Kunabee (hmm, that sounds familiar), and another for an alt where it will be part of her character (Arielle Medinemor).  I also got six port spaces.  What am I going to DO with six port spaces?  I don't know.
(oh, by the way: port spaces are where you can put customized little pictures of your Furcadia person).  I'm hoping that I can convince my friends or some considerate person to do at least one for free...
///hinthinthinthint.
I'll also be willing to give away one of my port spaces in exhange for a portrait art.  I mean, c'mon, what do you DO with six port spaces (I could probably find something...)
MOVING ON NOW.
This being said, for a long time now, my online persona has been "me" (aka, blond hair hazel eyes) with a floofy kitty tail and cat ears.  Upon getting my flox, the persona has changed.  She/I/whatever now has a flower on the back.  Like a flox.
So now I'm all obsessed with my online persona, BECAUSE I WANT PORT ART GOSHDANGIT!  And I'm all like, "I WANT TO MAKE A WEBPAGE... ABOUT MY PERSON... AND IT CAN BE PRETTY..."
(webs, anyone?  Put on MEEEE!, Furc characters, roleplay characters, neopets, etc. etc.... hmm.)

So now I have this whole description in my head of the online persona: "Almost always smiling, Kunabee greets the day as if it is a bright blue sky with hardly a cloud after a hundred years of rain, no matter the weather.  Sure, she gets down in the dumps, but she tries her best to be happy.  Clever, smart, and a little bit bratty, she has fun chatplaying - and being a pain in the you-know-where to just about every character."
And of course there will be MORE to it, because there has to be MORE.
but meh.

So yeah, that's what's in my head today.  AND BECAUSE I LIKE PICTURES...:

(is it just me, or is that RIDICULOUSLY cute?)

Untitled Poem

This would be one of those times when all I want to do,
Is curl up and go away,
I need to breathe but I can't escape.
I need to feel but I can't get a break.
I am no shell, no empty person;
I feel and think and am moving; constant motion,
I'm breaking, falling, failing,
Like it happens, because people do break,
And for some reason, though I'm damaged,
I keep try and struggling; what's courage,
It's all my foolish stupidity,
I can't let go, I can't be free,
I'm an awful person; I hate being me.
Because though I try what I know doesn't change what I feel,
Knowledge is just the face that's shown,
The world will never let you go.

But you know, the really silly thing,
I still have hope and faith; I still believe.
I know there's a God above,
I know He loves me too.
I know I'm imperfect, but I'm beautiful;
I'm brilliant and kind, with just enough selfish to survive.
Sometimes I make mistakes, that's normal;
Why am I so hard on myself?
But you know, there's so much we share,
But we're so very different.
I believe that there's a way;
I believe it's hard, a solution,
That mortal eyes can't quite see;
That temporary is even eternal,
Except for the Ones we can't touch, only feel,
In our hearts, with our belief.

So I'm a broken damaged person,
How can words let me feel
Things I never knew I could?
I can't describe what it's like for me,
How happiness carries sadness,
And emotions I can't name,
But this is it, it's where I am.
In the end I can't change;
I care, the end.