Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Texas 2

First comes the fun
We run and laugh
Up and down, spinning,
Then suddenly
It rings,
And when it's open
Comes the news.
Not yet, we know,
We want to get there,
And silently the words come,
As we speak, I ride,
He drives, we chat,
And finally a gasp.
"She's gone."

I'll be reading this poem at my grandmother's funeral.
Once life breathes,
Sometimes in many or few,
There we find family,
Friends, hope.

But what becomes
Ends up lost
And it's never really true.

I know this shell of hers
Contained her once
And now she is free

Reclaimed by death,
Yet there she has life,
One day we'll see here
But forever we'll feel her.

Our hearts remain,
And in them we find,
Family, friends, and hope.

Poem 3:
We do not see
We do not speak.

The hidden veil of silence,
Does not open,
So you do not know,
Until it's too late.

Does not come.
Do not work.

But the lies are all overtold,
Like they shouldn't be,
So you do not see,
Until you're unready.

Yet I feel
That in this dark
There is something

Poem 4:
Hope is a light
Small yet bright
It speaks of.

Faith is a seed
Small yet strong
It grows of.

Charity is a smile
Small yet sweet
It tells of.

Peace is a dream
Small yet true
It sings of.

And as for dreams,
They are all of the above,
Idealistic, warm,
And finally achieved.

Texas 1

This week... will mostly be explained in poems.  So this was last night.

The room is quiet, a stranger there,
I walk in, trailing behind,
As my mom says hello my grandfather wakes,
I come over and he gives me a hug,
Then grabs both my hands.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers,
“Don’t be,” I answer,
I should be apologizing to him.
I feel his hands, weak and strong,
The grip tight, yet I feel every heartbeat
It can’t be that tight.
He shakes, weak, and still tries to talk
I respond with “Okay” each time,
And finally “I love you.”
And as I pull away my mom comes,
And she cries and he says “I’m sorry” to her too.

I go to the other bed, where Gramma sleeps,
Still and thin, is she cold?
I’m too scared to touch her (maybe tomorrow),
I’m certain she’s sleeping,
But I talk to her.
“I love you,” I say, “It’ll all work out.”
“It’s nice to see you, I missed you.”
I’ll miss her more when she’s gone,
But I don’t say the words.
Finally I stand up, sorrow in my eyes,
I wait for my mom to say her goodbyes,
And then I say them too
And we leave.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


I... am kind of stuck in a rut.  But I'm also far away from it.  It is really hard to explain.  So I'm just going to go for it.  This is a think it, come out kinda deal.  First off, my grandmother is dying.  I'm having a rough time with that.  I didn't know her as well as I'd like to, but she's my grandmother.  I'm more worried about my grandfather, though.  They've been married since they were nineteen; they've known each since they were fifteen.  And they were engaged by sixteen.  That's a long time, since they're both 83.  And my cousins in Texas were raised by them; my aunt, my mom's little sister, has never, in all her life (until she sent them to the nursing home) been more then a hallway away from them.
Next off is feeling like a third wheel.  It's a constant.  In so many ways I am way more mature then anyone else my age; and when I do act immature, usually everyone else is too.  I mean, I'm adaptable.  The situation changes, so do I.  But why am I always a third wheel?  I found that buddy with Samantha, but now... we're barely friends.  We've changed.  I'm still excitable and happy.  And I care about people, so at school... I'm set apart.  It's a sad, sad thing when I think that kindness is considered immature.
I've just been struggling.  Up, down, up, down.  Not even an hour ago I was considering breaking off with all my friends; then I wasn't.  Now... I am again.  Is it worth it? Yes, no, yes, no...  I want to be five again.  I want life to be simple and happy.  It was... once.
And here's a poem.

I sit by the window and watch the world,
It goes in a circle from green to red,
Then after red comes white,
Until there's green again,
Brighter then before.

I listen to their words,
Filled with hate and pain,
I wonder where love has gone,

All this is very strange.

These words are what they call advice;
Yet it feels like they critisize,
And I don't even know who "they" are.

All I miss I know I once had,
And all I want makes me sad.

This circle I'm in I'll never get out.

Yet there must be hope,
I cannot doubt.

Yet it's stuck,
Unable to open,
Where there was a door there isn't even a window.

I used to be happy,
Grateful and glad,
I knew what I had and I understood,
Now all I know is regret.

Misery needs no sympathy,
Though it loves its company,
Simple are the words I speak,
Complex yet is their meaning,
And all I want I had... once.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Tell Me Again

I've been doing some deep thinking.  I need you to get into a serious, sympathetic, thoughtful mood if you're going to read this post, please.  I don't want any joking comments.  Because this is serious.
It begins with the 8.9 earthquake in Japan.  That disaster.  I don't know the number of people killed, but it's big.  I don't know what it's like.  I don't know what it's like to have to rebuild, to know you have to rebuild, and feel that deep despair.  I don't know what it's like to be on the other side of the world and not know if your family and friends are alive.  I don't know what it's like to be there.  To experience it.  But I can say... I offer my prayers.  I offer my sympathy and my love.  We're all humans on this Earth.
Next comes the Holocaust.  That horrible, horrible time where a deranged man tried to kill every Jew.  It wasn't right.  Anyone who lived... it was pure chance.  Pure luck.  But for the blonde-hair, blue-eyes Aerians, it was right.  But didn't they die, too, die at the hands of the Allies?  The Allies who dared to stand up.  And who won.  But people there, too, died.
Finally I shall talk about things that would fit in an "ex cetera" category.  I was reading an article about doctors making fatal mistakes.  It seems (in America at least) we're so focused on getting things done that we make mistakes.  And for people like doctors... you can't admit them.  Even the smallest things could end up with someone dead, and if it wasn't a life-or-death situation... it wouldn't matter.  And then there's things like alcohol and drugs.  We see them, we hear about them.  Getting drunk is a no-no... but people do it anyway.  I suppose they'd do a lot of things anyway.  Because these things come about, and happen.
And most of the time, it ends up with people killed.
Then there's things that aren't life-or-death, but are stupidity and ignorance.  Like the "zero-tolerance" policy causing a girl who was handed someone else's prescription, but then gave it back to have a five-day suspension.  To have a boy doing something for the people out there fighting for our country, but with his minute toy soldier's guns, to be suspended also.  To have a boy eating lunch with a multi-tasking toy be sent for 45 days to a rehabilitation school.  What's this telling our kids, us, me?  "I'll get in trouble if I do the right thing or do something innocent, so hell, might as well do it anyway."

So what am I getting at?  I'm getting at that humanity is ignored, mistakes are demonized, and that what's acceptable isn't.  Good and bad are the same, because of people's decision that they know best.  Even when they don't.
In the end... It's being good and forced to be bad.
In the end... It's luck to survive.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Quiz Results! (found on

Indigo: mostly true paragraph
Green: very true paragraph
Earth: half-true paragraph
Pizza: ANOTHER half-true paragraph.  Stinkin' thing hiding the considerate sentence.
Blue: I'm... not sure o_o  It sounds accurate, but doesn't... Anyway, I actually did think about being a counselor once.
Your Life's Path is Indigo

You seek harmony and understanding. You want to be one with the universe.

You believe it's important to find and cultivate a purpose in your life. You can't imagine living without meaning.

You are intuitive and thoughtful. You appreciate solitude, but you also draw energy from being with others.

You are an excellent communicator. You can connect with even the most withdrawn people.

Your Ideas Are Green

When you think, you think on a global scale. You have a very broad view.

You never forget that we are all interconnected, and you're concerned with the impact of your actions.

Your ideas tend to revolve around how to make the world a better place. You are very socially conscious.

You tend to dream big but think small. You like ideas that you can immediately put into action.

You Are Earth

You are a patient, reliable, and solid person. You tend to be a strong influence and stabilizing force in people's lives.

While you are quite serious, you are thoughtful in all ways. You tend to be a big dreamer, and you can be very laid back.

You prefer to observe and stay in the shadows. You don't crave the limelight. You only seek your own approval.

While you don't like to show off, you should let yourself be the center of attention every now and than. You have what it takes to shine.

Your Pizza Says You Are a Food Snob

People may tell you that you have a small appetite... but you aren't under eating. You just aren't a pig.

You are a very picky pizza eater. Not any pizza will do. You fit in best in the Northeast part of the US.

Your taste is rather complex and sophisticated. You consider yourself a gourmet - and a bit of a snob.

You are generous, outgoing, and considerate with your choices.

You are unadventurous and boring. You should consider staying home when taking a vacation.

The stereotype that best fits you is hippie. You knew it was coming.

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.

You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.

The purpose of your life: showing love to other people

Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah

Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

You Have an Extremely Active Imagination

Your mind is vivid, lively, and colorful. There is a lot going on in your head.

You have the ability to make pictures and movies in your mind. You are extremely visual.

Your creativity knows no bounds. You don't put restrictions or limits on your thoughts.

You have a gift that other people wish they had. So exercise that imagination as much as you want!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I had an idea... and I lost it

First off, before I go into any deep thoughts, I'm going to say I fail THIIIIIIISSS badly: 100000000%.  Mkies.  Deep thoughts noaw.

...Or not.  Sheesh.