Saturday, August 25, 2018

You have words to speak and to write,
You have a voice, small and bright.
Please come to understand the world is wrong,
Life is worth singing, a living breathing song.

I found this in my drafts.  I have nothing to finish it with.  So, here.  Enjoy something short and sweet.


Of the ash and dust that's around me,
I will make myself the hero I need.
The sky's turned black with memory
And there's only fear as far as the eye can see.

With everything lost, and despair the seed,
I will find the hope I have not yet sought.
I am ill-prepared, but I don't yet bleed
From all the scratches and scarecrows I read.

At the end of the world, I stood and fought;
And in the ashes, I am still determined to breathe.
Though I'm trapped, and the ropes pulled taut
I will not give in and perish the thought.

Around me, it seems the darkest storms seethe -
Wild and dark, yet they do not touch me -
And now at the end my sword, I sheathe -
While hope, lingering, a baby that teethes.

I am the hero that I've wanted to be,
Stronger than the stories you've shared.
I am a hero, of my own desperate plea
And have become more than I've dreamed.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

I Retreat To Words

Here I am, and I retreat to words again.
I am burning up inside, smoke spilling out of my lungs
And I choke, halting, giving up my nature and pushing something else there instead.
It is stones and rock and I am sinking
But the water does not quench the fire
And instead there are two things on which to suffocate.

I am broken-hearted and shattered across the floor,
Put together with tape and glue as I fight everything that's wrong with me,
As I climb over the ladder and scream to the stars.
I will not fail here.
No matter how broken.

I am still living, I am still screaming - a voice alone is still a voice,
A voice unheard is a voice worth hearing, worth listening to.
So give me my voice and let me build myself up -
Use the words I've always known, and make something of myself
That is not the past but the coming dawn, tides that save the starfish in the pools.

I find myself making metaphors and mysteries,
Crafting tabloids and falsities,
As I smile and lie until I feel better inside.
I love myself at last, and that means anger and rage and boundaries and
I can finally say part of me at least is pure and utter spite.

The headlines ring like bells as I remember who I am,
Dirt and grass and someone who loves with all she is.
I will not forget, there's only room for forgiving
If you want to keep yourself sane and breathing.

I am smoke, water, tape and glue - a fire raging, an inferno burning
The story of the starfish and the world, footprints in the sand,
A soul brighter than anything that tries to quench its potential.
And I know this hurts - fuck, it hurts! - but I am still something.

Here's the line in the sand: I am worth knowing
And I will not turn a person away but for the breaking
So if I am out of your life, remember -
This one's all on you.  Envy my wings as I fly.

Here I am, and I retreat to words again,
Because words are the only friends worth loving -
And I spin my web and build my walls and wait for someone else to do the breaking,
That maybe 'shattered' is enough and being broken is a thing worth doing -
I am worth being.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

Still Alive


I'm in Utah now.  I hate it.  I wish I was not in Utah.

I... made a plan to, by the upcoming Saturday, have written what amounts to about 45k words (overestimating, though); divided up it equaled 3.5k words or something per day, as I planned this on Tuesday.

Three days ago I started playing Furcadia.  And Toontown.  And have now completely gotten sidetracked.

Goddamnit.  Why am I like this.

ANYWAY.  In other news, I'm currently working on a skin for a dream in Furcadia, and... have not played as much Toontown as I was planning on.  Oh well.  Either way, I'm going to... make a dream in Furc... and that'll happen.  Maybe.

I also have more writing to do.

But hey!  A blog update!  Yeehaw!  If I can keep this consistent, maybe I can get working on Talisman and my fanfics!

OH YEAH - I have a beta reader who is actually BETA READING.  So that's nice.  I also had another person besides my mother read the prologue and chapter one.  Sooo... hopefully this individual will read through chapter two when he's done with chapter one.  I've been editing for him, so it's been a fun bout of... semi-productivity.

Also, I can type Japanese on my computer.

日本語をちょっとまってはなします。Thanks to Duolingo, anyway.

It's been nice.  Maybe I'll get my shit together and start earning money from writing.  Maybe.  Furcadia is just another possible source... I mean, I'm pretty good at editing graphics these days, if I do say so myself.  I could make skins for people's dreams.  Custom skins are pretty.  Custom graphics are pretty.  I may have like 1 art skill but dangit, I can put other pictures together and even art some basic things.

Is it weird that the different layout for my blog startled me?  Yeah, I saw it and was kind of like "what the heck...?"

And then I remembered and reread a few posts.

I REALLY need to get back to posting regularly.  Maybe I can schedule something on a calendar or set an alarm?

We'll see.