Friday, March 25, 2016

I'm Not an -Ist

So.  Let's do a little exercise.
I'm going to run off a list of things/words/phrases and you're going to look at them and keep in mind what you thought of them.  Write it down if you want I guess, but honestly you really don't need to respond with what you thought.  Just kind of look at them and acknowledge it.

Feminist
Meninist
Animal right's activist
Human right's activist
Humanist
Egalitarian
Social Justice
Social Justice Warrior
Athiest
Christian

If you didn't have some negativity about at least one of those, you're lying.  There's more I could have done, but I think I might offend enough people, so...
This is why I'm not an -ist.

I used to announce with pride that I'm an animal right's activist, and then always say "BUT NOT LIKE PETA" because PETA gave a bad name.  And while I'll still say I'm Christian and Mormon (hush, I believe Mormons are Christians, this is my blog, my opinions) I much prefer reciting the first article of faith ("I" instead of "we", but "I believe in Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost") and saying I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints more than anything.  Look at that.
You can't get confused with that.  You can't think I believe in polygamy or that I'm a part of FLDS or anything like that.  You just can't.
So.
I'm not any of those things above.  I believe in equality, and love, and compassion, and respect, above all else.  You can't get confused with that.  You know exactly what I'm saying.

So sure, it takes more words.  But I don't mind using more words - simple words, easy words - in order to preserve clarity.  I'm not going to join a movement.  I'm not a part of a movement.
What I am a part of us the human race.  I will not add more labels to distinguish myself from my fellow brothers and sisters.  No sir.
So I'm not an -ist.  I'm not a feminist, or an activist, or what-have-you.

I will volunteer, and I will write, and I will fight for animals to be treated with respect instead of stuck in lonely cages where they can't turn around.  I will fight to make sure there's no more child brides and I will always, always remember to love and to care.

I'm not part of a movement.  I'm just me.  And you can say "oh but these things make you" whatever they make me, and maybe you're not wrong.  But I don't care.  I really don't.
And if you're calling me one of these things, the only one-word unclear answer I'll take is "Christian" or "Mormon" (slash LDS).  Otherwise?
Stop.  I'm not a part of this movement.  What name or label I claim for myself doesn't mean a thing.  What matters is what I believe in.
And quite frankly, if you've read anything in this blog at all, you already have at least some idea.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

You Know Who You Are If You're One of These People

(Or, alternatively, either one of these:
"Because Really, Stop Trying to Corrupt Me, You’re Not Helping Anything I Swear"
"Why Is Changing My Personality Something You're So Excited To Do")

People assume many things about me.
But never do they assume that I
am very
strong.

I know this is because
I am naive and innocent
But they do not realize
How much I have fought
To be this way.

I am an optimist
Who believes in love
Who cries
Who watches Disney movies
Who has a very big heart
And always feels
very
very
small.

So people assume
That I need to be fixed
Corrected
Changed,
As though being
Positive and innocent
Is some sort of curse
Unless you are a child.

They do not realize
That I am happy with who I am,
Or somewhere, circling,
In the vicinity.

They do not realize
That depression
Can make it hard
To move.
But still...
I wake up
And I smile
And I believe
In the happy ever after,
In the better,
In the 'maybe's.

I am emotional and innocent
Someone to be protected.
What is unseen is how strong I am.
How hard I fight for every little scrap
Of innocence
Of optimism
Of looking in the mirror
And not hating myself,
From my hair,
To my eyes slowly growing more and more brown,
To the extra weight I hold.

It is strange to me
How people take my innocence
As a challenge,
How the best goal
Is to corrupt me -
How, in pretending kindness,
They claim it is to 'protect' me,
Never realizing
That by being innocence
That by being positive
I am slowly proving the world wrong
Letting my heart grow bigger,
Even though it's been shattered before,
That I am becoming more.

And yes.
I cry easily,
But I also laugh easily,
And if you ever need someone,
I'm used to being a rock,
Someone with good advice,
Someone to listen,
And I may be naive,
But I am also
very
very
strong.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Edited Version of Last Night's Poem

Many thanks to a friend I shall refer to as "AC".  He's air conditioning now.  It's done and decided.

I remember the isolation, the defeat,
As I wandered halls, invisible,
It seemed the journey was eternal;
The way they never believed
The voice I could not muster.
I fought, so hard, back then
For things I wasn't then -
Things I still fail to be -
Hoping that I'd feel like more
Than a talentless hack, worthless,
Wasting space that would be better off empty.

Happiness
Is not impossible when the devil whispers in your ear,
When you are caught in a web of lies
By a brain that never tells you the truth.
Instead, happiness
Is a difficult mountain, with moments of peace.
But each pause is a risk of avalanche,
Folding you into an airless tunnel,
Pushing you back so you must climb, again,
That terrible, insurmountable height.

When you are left in silence,
With a voice that works, but is unheard,
When the world around you is tough,
Filled with rocky terrain that cuts
As you walk with only bare feet,
You begin to believe what
Hell would have you convinced of.

Your inner demons
Are the worst ones to fight,
Because at least outward
You can cast anger and terror
Without ripping open cuts
You thought were finally healed.

It takes realizing
In the half-way milestone from self-hate to self-love
That your life was difficult,
That your ups were wonderful,
But your downs were utter despair;
That feeling sad is something you are y of,
That pity of self does not mean you are selfish
But instead have finally taken the time
To realize you need peace of mind too.

So when your voice is, at last, heard,
And you are above the raging waters, breathing,
And you catch the life float,
And are holding on for dear life,
Though you know you will fall under, eventually -
But not now, not this moment-
It is okay to tighten your grip,
And shed some tears for yourself;
For your lost innocence and lost chances
Because you are battling a disease
That is misunderstood and unseen.

It is okay to take a moment
And admit to yourself that you have reasons to be sad,
That your problems are equal, not lesser,
To the problems of others.
The devil's lies can be overcome, and defeated
But that does not mean you have to be happy -
It only means that you have to realize, once and for all,
That you are worthy and people love you.

The worst part of having your mind be your worst enemy
Is that only you can enter your mind;
Only you can rewrite your thoughts.
But it can be done, it has been done,
And you have done it several times before.
And the best part is:
All your accomplishments? All your downfalls?
You are not alone
Even if they're not always with you.
Even if God cannot be hugged.

So yes, you are battling a disease
More malicious than cancer,
More misunderstood than evil,
More unnoticed than heaven and hell,
But look at the path behind you,
That mountain you've climbed up yourself,
That ice you've broken through,
And take a moment to yourself.
Just breathe.
You're doing well.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Late Night Poetry (My Insomnia is Due to Creativity)

I remember the isolation,
The defeat,
As I wandered halls, invisible,
The journey taking to infinity.
The way it seemed they never believed,
The voice that I could not muster.
I fought, so hard, back then,
For things I was not, am not, even now,
To feel worthwhile, to feel like more
Than a talentless hack, worthless,
Wasting space that would be better off empty.

Happiness
Is not impossible when the devil whispers in your ear,
When you are caught in a web of lies
By a brain that never tells you the truth,
Instead, happiness
Is a difficult mountain,
Where sometimes you can picnic,
Breathing in the air,
Before an avalanche, a landslide,
Catches you in an airless tunnel,
Pushes you back so you climb
A terrible, insurmountable height
All over again.

When you are left in silence,
With a voice that works, but is unheard,
When the world around you is tough,
And difficult,
And filled with rocky terrain, while
You are left with bare feet,
You begin to believe what
Hell would have you convinced of.

Your inner demons
Are the worst ones to fight,
Because at least outward
You can cast anger and terror
Without ripping open cuts
You thought were finally healed.

It takes realizing
In the half-way milestone from self-hate to self-love
That your life was difficult,
That your ups were wonderful,
But your downs were utter despair,
That feeling sad is something you are worth doing,
That pity of self does not mean you are selfish
Or do not care,
But instead have finally taken the time
To realize you need peace of mind too.

So when your voice is, at last, heard,
And you are above the raging waters,
Breathing,
And you catch the life float,
And are holding on for dear life,
Knowing
That you will fall under, eventually -
But not now, not this moment -
It is okay to tighten your grip,
And shed some tears for yourself;
For your lost innocence and lost chances
Because you are battling a disease
That is misunderstood
And so very often unseen.

And it is okay to take a moment
And admit to yourself
That you have reasons to be sad,
That your problems are equal,
Not lesser,
To the problems of others,
And that the devil's lies can be overcome,
And defeated,
And that does not mean you have to be happy,
It only means that you have to realize,
Once and for all,
That you are worthy and people love you.

The worst trouble
Of having your mind
As your worst enemy
Is that only you
Can enter your mind;
Only you
Can rewrite your thoughts.
But it can be done, it has been done,
And you have done it.
And the best part is,
All your accomplishments?
All your downfalls?
You are not alone
Even if
They're not always with you.
Even if
God cannot be hugged.

So yes, you are battling a disease
More malicious than cancer,
More misunderstood than evil,
More unnoticed than heaven and hell,
But look at the path behind you,
That mountain you've climbed up yourself,
That ice you've broken through,
And take a moment.
Just breathe.
You're doing well.