Many thanks to a friend I shall refer to as "AC". He's air conditioning now. It's done and decided.
I remember the isolation, the defeat,
As I wandered halls, invisible,
It seemed the journey was eternal;
The way they never believed
The voice I could not muster.
I fought, so hard, back then
For things I wasn't then -
Things I still fail to be -
Hoping that I'd feel like more
Than a talentless hack, worthless,
Wasting space that would be better off empty.
Is not impossible when the devil whispers in your ear,
When you are caught in a web of lies
By a brain that never tells you the truth.
Is a difficult mountain, with moments of peace.
But each pause is a risk of avalanche,
Folding you into an airless tunnel,
Pushing you back so you must climb, again,
That terrible, insurmountable height.
When you are left in silence,
With a voice that works, but is unheard,
When the world around you is tough,
Filled with rocky terrain that cuts
As you walk with only bare feet,
You begin to believe what
Hell would have you convinced of.
Your inner demons
Are the worst ones to fight,
Because at least outward
You can cast anger and terror
Without ripping open cuts
You thought were finally healed.
It takes realizing
In the half-way milestone from self-hate to self-love
That your life was difficult,
That your ups were wonderful,
But your downs were utter despair;
That feeling sad is something you are y of,
That pity of self does not mean you are selfish
But instead have finally taken the time
To realize you need peace of mind too.
So when your voice is, at last, heard,
And you are above the raging waters, breathing,
And you catch the life float,
And are holding on for dear life,
Though you know you will fall under, eventually -
But not now, not this moment-
It is okay to tighten your grip,
And shed some tears for yourself;
For your lost innocence and lost chances
Because you are battling a disease
That is misunderstood and unseen.
It is okay to take a moment
And admit to yourself that you have reasons to be sad,
That your problems are equal, not lesser,
To the problems of others.
The devil's lies can be overcome, and defeated
But that does not mean you have to be happy -
It only means that you have to realize, once and for all,
That you are worthy and people love you.
The worst part of having your mind be your worst enemy
Is that only you can enter your mind;
Only you can rewrite your thoughts.
But it can be done, it has been done,
And you have done it several times before.
And the best part is:
All your accomplishments? All your downfalls?
You are not alone
Even if they're not always with you.
Even if God cannot be hugged.
So yes, you are battling a disease
More malicious than cancer,
More misunderstood than evil,
More unnoticed than heaven and hell,
But look at the path behind you,
That mountain you've climbed up yourself,
That ice you've broken through,
And take a moment to yourself.
You're doing well.