Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I know I smile, I have to be happy,
Life is too good to cry.
And inside and outside I give every bit of love,
I only have so much joy I can give,
And here it is, I do my best.
I'm nowhere near perfect.

Why am I so stuck on the past, the moment,
The future, all haunting me as I suffocate.
I keep panicking, freaking out,
The smallest things have me broken down.
I'm sick of the world and everything else,
But there's no way to get out.

I'm so lost and so confused,
It's impossible to make sense,
Have you ever been so happy,
And so miserable at the same time?
I'm split in two, and before it was death,
But now I choose to live.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A Cup

I haven't been posting class Maya projects even though I've done plenty, but I've been working on a personal one.  Yes, I do get my work done.  Anyway, here's a cup.  I did it by myself ;D  Thanks to someone in my class (you know who you are) for the transperancy and how to create water tips.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Smile in the Words

I've been looking through past writings.  All sorts of writings, all of them that I've done.  And no matter how sad the poem is, or how much it says about hurting, there's something happy in it.  There's something that comes from the strength of Christ, and the strength of me, and the love and the hope and the faith that needed to be.
There's a smile in the words.
In all the misery of the world, there are always a smile in the words.  The words that share the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that speak across worlds and people of what we share.  There's a sky that changes color, and a planet supporting us, and causes all over to support.
We're made of the same stuff, of matter and particles and atoms and elements, and the same ability to love - and to hate.
Words have spoken to me.  They are how I speak, how I show how I care, how I give of myself - both to my Father in Heaven and to others.  They have spoken to me with a song and a book.  It hits home, now.  I am loved.  I can do anything.  I am not forgotten.  I matter, somewhere in this impossibly big and infinitely small world.
And so the smile in the words have shown me faith.

The smile in the words you can barely see,
But between the lines there is infinity,
There's a lack of colors, but a closer look,
Reveals reds and golds and blues and yellows,
Greens and purples and browns and oranges,
All hover there, pale little smiles,
And you look back over the words,
Take it piece by piece,
Suddenly you realize and suddenly you see.

What you thought was misery,
Is much more simple, much more pretty,
It is hope and faith and want for better,
Laughter, longing, loneliness, love,
And peace, above all others,
Saying that peace will come, but slowly,
And these words, thoughts, are all hidden,
Waiting to be taken in.
Slowly you gather the smile in the words,
Then rip it into pieces.

And the fact is these pieces will fly,
Around the world and back again.
They won't be forgotten.
Because there is love and piece and harmony,
By taking action you have changed a course,
Something that would lead only to destruction.
Self-destruction is the bitterest thing,
But by something that goes by the name charity,
The smile in the words is His spirit.


A hero is someone who
Is not afraid of death or pain,
Not afraid to stand alone,
But afraid of what will happen if they don't,
Scared of what will happen if they deny all they
Love, and believe.

I hope to be a hero,
I wish to be a healer of hearts.
Because when the heart breaks,
It's as if anything that was good or is good has gone,
Leaving behind any faith that was, before, manageable,
I wish to change this.

A point of view is that a hero saves lives,
And we call them fireman, and policeman,
Never realizing that, if not for the smaller heroes,
Friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers,
There would be no lives to save,
The rescuees beyond broken.

So if I can be a hero,
Like all the ones I admire,
I will brace myself on what I know as truth:
I am important, special, called to do something great.
My Father in Heaven with His gentle hand,
Sometimes faith is slow in coming.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Words to Say

Words once came easy,
They were endless and boundless.
Now I find it difficult
To even find words to say
"Hello, I missed you, I love you.
I'm angry at you but please come home,
I'm begging you to change."
And I can't even say the last part,
It's too hard on me.

My heart is aching, sore and tender,
There's a deep happiness in it,
Laughter and of youth,
But I feel just about ancient,
Feel like I've done all I could.
I'm stuck in a rut and I'm scared.
I'm just a little girl who's crying,
And I know why but I can't place words,
And the reasons are like the stars, anyway.

And when someone else is hurting,
I always blame myself,
I couldn't get there in time, I wasn't born soon enough,
Or maybe I didn't something wrong again.
So I smile and laugh and say I'm amazing,
While the whole time I'm feeling like I'm evil,
And wondering if both are wrong.
What was once so easy for me to see and feel,
Now I have no clue of the words to say.

And this is the best I can do,
Letting it all out in uneven words,
Echoes of my emotions falling into place,
I'm praying that someone will realize, will see,
That I'm not alone, but I can't explain what's wrong,
I know I'm different from everyone else,
But I'm uncertain just how far, and if that's special,
I am a daughter of God and I'm giving up.
I don't have the words to say why.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Optimism is like silt, or dirt, or dust.
But either way it's very thin.
It's still a solid, not a liquid or a gas, but it's easy to just let slip through your fingers.
It goes away, wanting to fly, but it tortures you too.
It stays there, wanting to make the world happy, but still flying.
So you grab on to the bits and pieces and try to put them together like a puzzle, but it's really not that easy.
You'd be shocked at how immature people can be, no matter their age.
I always associated wisdom with kindness.  Does that mean a few people are wise?
Little children, who don't have a care or hatred yet and still, must be the wisest of all.
I want to be young again.
I had optimism them, and it's a lot of learning how to hold optimism.  When did I forget how?


It's gone from "How much am I loved?" to "How much do people hate me?"
Seriously, can I just be me without being unsatisfactory to SOMEONE?
I already feel bad enough.
Leave me alone.
Have some patience.
Stop attacking me.
I can't take it.
I would put a threat here but there's not much I can do.  Besides, I actually care, and I don't want to upset people more then I already have.
Yeah, the one person in the universe who still cares.


You can only hold so much faith in your heart,
So much love, so much hope, in your heart.
And then it breaks, shatters,
The little trickles of faith
Like stars in the sky, too far to touch,
So is the reasoning behind just what
Has changed, beyond comprehension,
So you are not what you were.
And I wish I could go back to
Simple days, when laughter came more easily,
And I didn't care
About every ebb and flow
Of everyone, and their words,
Bitter, with that taunt of sweet,
And it was true friendship then.

Now, as older one becomes,
You begin to doubt that anyone
ever cared, and the smallest action
Usually something that wouldn't bother you,
Shouldn't bother you,
Cuts like a knife into your heart,
And you take the wounds, one by one,
I've taken so many hits and shots,
And half of them are of silly things,
Things that shouldn't bother me,
And then you shatter.
The faith you held becomes too much,
Your heart too unhappy,
Wicked curling things to steal it away,
Instruments of self-destruction, some are
Physical, and others emotional, mental,
Wondering if you can survive another throw.

Too terrified to speak, unhappy when you think,
You don't know, and when you do,
It's at the wrong place, you want approval,
And you don't want the offered options,
But somehow, in the first place, you knew.
And even doing what you've always loved,
To give expression to meaning, or maybe meaningless,
You're terrified the world would know, but
It can't stay in there forever, you understand,
You've always understood that you
Are sensitive, crying inside,
When there's a smile it's half a facade,
Half, because you're still half-happy,
Honestly happy,
And you're clinging in desperation,
While you pray all your dreams and all your fears
Can just be broken for you,
And something better can happen in the shards.

So this is all the faith I have left,
Faith that it can just fall, into emptiness,
I'm done, I'm sick, I'm tired,
I'm still running because I don't know what else to do.
You have no place,
You are lost and alone,
An outsider.
You're too good, and kind, and when you aren't
You're too immature, irresponsible,
And then there's time when you're too mean.
You'll just loose, friend by friend, assignment by assignment,
Stress by stress,
Until it's lost, forever,
And the reason that's offered, the best one there is,
You can't take, because you'll be more like the
Ones you've hated, the ones you've feared,
And you don't want a drop of them.

And faith, it's broken,
Because you still have so much of it,
But it's killing you, anyway,
Because disappointment comes, and you try to fight,
It still slips away.
It's the first blow that did it,
That caused the leak.
So with band-aids and duct tape,
You patch up every hole,
And you wonder if there will be faith.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I Believe

Beliefs.  Sometimes it feels like a pain in the behind just to have them, live them, experience them.  It seems around every corner someone is challenging one little value, one little thought.  It doesn't matter if it's releated to religion or not.  How can it be so easy for some people to look down on someone because they're different?  I don't find it easy at all.  They're a person, I'm a person.
You gotta admit, it's tough for EVERYONE.  Period.  End of discussion.
But the lack of respect shown to people is horrendous.  And the more I learn of... well, everything, the more this is apparant to me.  People are honest-to-goodness mean.  It makes my head spin.  Now, I know I'm naive.  I'm fourteen years old and a freshmen and even other fourteen-year-old freshmen confuse me with some of the stuff they talk about, and really gross me out.
FACT: Most teenagers are perverts.
But anyway, back to the whole belief thing.  Everyone has beliefs - little opinions, their religion, etc.  And if someone shares it they run the risk of someone showing just how pathetic and insecure they are.  Which it hurts.  Even knowing that person is a piece of trash.  And everyone here can agree, right?
The whole fact of the matter is that I believe in a lot of stuff that comes from my experiences, and I should NOT have to suffer disrespect.
I believe in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Jesus Christ was my Savior and I follow Him.  This is my first and foremost belief beyond ANYTHING else.  I believe in the Bible and the Book of Mormon.
I also believe in dressing modestly, not cussing, and treating my body well.  Alcohol and drugs shall NEVER BE TOUCHED by me.  EVER.  Cigarettes... I hate smoking.  Smoke, and you're killing yourself, other people, and the other.  It's a deathstick, and nothing more then addicting deathstick to make mean people money off of people who are ignorant.  (If you didn't notice, I feel VERY strongly in this subject.)
I have faith in people's best natures.  I've seen people be extremely greedy (BIG.  ISSUE.  Lust and greed... BIG.  ISSUE.), be total meanies, hated for no reason, bring people down because they're insecure, etc. etc., but I still have faith in people's best natures.  I've seen miracles happen because someone rose above the ignorance and pain.
I trust people.  I give people chances and I honestly care about people.  I expect the worst while hoping for the best; I know I'm going to be disappointed in life because people will be people, and being a person means doing wrong.
I believe that there is a solution to every. single. problem.  I don't think it's easy, I think in some cases it will take YEARS, but I believe it's possible.  Compromise is a part of life, but so is compassion.
Charity is the strongest force on Earth.  It is the "pure love of Christ"; but it is also compassion, love, faith, service, wisdom, optimism, and so much more.  It encompasses the good and it is greater then the bad.
Everyone is equal but different.  We should be equal in rights and everything else, while still having different strengths and weaknesses.
And these are just a few of the things I believe.  I know I'm going to hit moleholes and make them into mountains; I know there will be actual mountains in the way I'm heading.
But, because I believe so strongly in so many good and beneficial things, I know I will make it.  I know doors will open for me, and I will do my best to make the most of every oppotunity to do and be good, better, and best.


And, indeed, when one is lost in a sea,
A sea that never ends,
Faith goes flying like a bird, free,
Until it finally dies without land.
Try to be the best I can and it still doesn't feel good enough,
And there are times when it does and I cling,
Feeling this way can never bring anything but
Sadness, coldness, emptiness,
And a lack of hope, because it dies too.

Since when did everything I feel, I think,
Since when did it all hurt,
Trying to drag me to pieces, and others to pieces,
And nobody towards happiness?
It is hard and I say I can deal,
And I can, but I can't, it's hard to explain,
So no matter what I say,
It is always left the same.

This smile is a facade, and then it is a truth,
This happiness is mine, I am me nothing else,
I will stand alone if I must, as long as I'm in the right,
But it's hard to be alone.
So pull me to pieces if you feel the need,
But I swear I will put them back together,
Even if this world is truthless,
There must be something good.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

3D Graphics Temple

We were assigned this in my 3D Graphics Class.  This is the finished version.  You can check it out.
I'm using Autodesk's Maya, like everyone else in the class.