Faith

You can only hold so much faith in your heart,
So much love, so much hope, in your heart.
And then it breaks, shatters,
The little trickles of faith
Abandoned.
Like stars in the sky, too far to touch,
So is the reasoning behind just what
Has changed, beyond comprehension,
So you are not what you were.
And I wish I could go back to
Simple days, when laughter came more easily,
And I didn't care
About every ebb and flow
Of everyone, and their words,
Bitter, with that taunt of sweet,
And it was true friendship then.

Now, as older one becomes,
You begin to doubt that anyone
ever cared, and the smallest action
Usually something that wouldn't bother you,
Shouldn't bother you,
Cuts like a knife into your heart,
And you take the wounds, one by one,
I've taken so many hits and shots,
And half of them are of silly things,
Things that shouldn't bother me,
And then you shatter.
The faith you held becomes too much,
Your heart too unhappy,
Wicked curling things to steal it away,
Instruments of self-destruction, some are
Physical, and others emotional, mental,
Wondering if you can survive another throw.

Too terrified to speak, unhappy when you think,
You don't know, and when you do,
It's at the wrong place, you want approval,
And you don't want the offered options,
But somehow, in the first place, you knew.
And even doing what you've always loved,
To give expression to meaning, or maybe meaningless,
You're terrified the world would know, but
It can't stay in there forever, you understand,
You've always understood that you
Are sensitive, crying inside,
When there's a smile it's half a facade,
Half, because you're still half-happy,
Honestly happy,
And you're clinging in desperation,
While you pray all your dreams and all your fears
Can just be broken for you,
And something better can happen in the shards.

So this is all the faith I have left,
Faith that it can just fall, into emptiness,
I'm done, I'm sick, I'm tired,
I'm still running because I don't know what else to do.
You have no place,
You are lost and alone,
An outsider.
You're too good, and kind, and when you aren't
You're too immature, irresponsible,
And then there's time when you're too mean.
You'll just loose, friend by friend, assignment by assignment,
Stress by stress,
Until it's lost, forever,
And the reason that's offered, the best one there is,
You can't take, because you'll be more like the
Ones you've hated, the ones you've feared,
And you don't want a drop of them.

And faith, it's broken,
Because you still have so much of it,
But it's killing you, anyway,
Because disappointment comes, and you try to fight,
It still slips away.
It's the first blow that did it,
That caused the leak.
So with band-aids and duct tape,
You patch up every hole,
And you wonder if there will be faith.