Wednesday, October 29, 2014


downy soft, feather light,
memories of another night,
the fear that all will come again,
and the fear there are no friends.
who am I? the question constant,
to myself I always posit;
it is not straightforward, clean,
it's messy, broken, and unseen.

say it again, the same old words.
their argument never changes, of course;
always "you don't matter",
and never a good reason;
always "I am right",
and never the mind changing.

say it again, the same old words.
I've heard what you got, and I've heard worse.
I'll live my life, one day I'll fly,
you've never seen the things I've seen,
you'll never achieve as much as me.

so say your piece,
I'll listen again.
but you'll control me no longer.
it took a while, but here's what I've found:
I am greater.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wanted vs Unwanted

These words are so similar.
For six letters they are identical.
'unwanted'.  Two additional letters.

It changes the world.  From wanted, from beautiful, from long walks on the beach and a happy family, to unwanted, to neglected and lonely and hurting.
Wanted is beautiful; unwanted is ugly.

Wanted is a baby.
Wanted is a happy child, a child who is told she is beautiful, who is told he is kind, who is told they are worthwhile.
Wanted is a friendship circle so close and tight you can't break those bonds, a friendship that will last forever, whether it's formed in elementary school or in college.
Wanted is holding hands and surprise gifts, red roses and picnics in the mountains.
Wanted is excitement, joy, a new cycle and a new start; a family.
Wanted is love.

Unwanted is a glob of tissue.
Unwanted is a sad child, a child who does not know what it's like to not have to hide bruises, one who only knows neglect.
Unwanted is an outcast, walking, looking at the friends who laugh together.
Unwanted is an arrow of sharp jealousy and isolation, looking at the couples and wishing so hard but nothing changes.  Of course.
Unwanted is fear, and terror, and screaming, and uncertainty.
Unwanted is indifference.

Think about it.
A cat, living in a home, is a wonderful creature.  Sharp claws be damned, puking to be cleaned up; there is still love.
A dog, roaming the streets, is a mangy mutt.  Bad and misbehaving, it is all wrong, it is ugly and nasty and dirty.

Wanted is beautiful.
Unwanted is ugly.

Wanted is pronouns, and humanity, and love.
Unwanted is 'it', and dirtiness, and indifference.

I want I want I want.
And what I want is beautiful, is warm, is lovely, is something to care for.  What I don't want is ugly, unpleasant, boring, useless.

Wanted is a Christmas puppy with velvet ears and a cold nose and a wagging tail.
Unwanted is chewed shoes and poop on the blankets and back to shelter.

Unwanted is death because it just so happens that no-kill shelters are short on space and today they can't take the puppy you foolishly bought.

Wanted is open arms.
Unwanted is you are a failure, you are a failure, you are a -

you are someone.  Always someone.
Wanted or unwanted.
Cat, dog, old woman or new baby.
A fetus.
Bird, fish, young toddler or old man.
You are someone.
Wanted or unwanted.

The world does not want you.
But I will change that.
I want you.

I want you to be the geode that you are,
That I know is inside everyone,
To burst open and scream, scream, scream!!!


This is what you made of me.

Thank God I was wanted.
Thank God I was me.
Thank God I was born to a loving family who supports and cares for me.

If you're told you are a failure, subhuman, less than others...
I still want you.

If I could take all the children without a family, all the animals on the streets or in the shelters, I would.

I won't want for money or a big house or a fancy car.
I'll want for world peace and hope and faith.
I'll want for the people who are unwanted.
Because if that's all it takes, then I'll make everyone a someone.
It's what I want.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Fixing Things

It's always me.

I always have to work to keep the friendships.  I always have to be the one to apologize.  I always have to keep it together.  I always have to be mature.

Why can't someone else have the tough job?  Why can't someone else adjust so I'm more comfortable, or deal with the fact I am loud and spontaneous and overwhelming?  I back off, but I am still excited and full of energy.

Listen.  Just listen.  I pull away when I see people freak, I try my best to tone it down.  I'm sensitive to the point of paranoia; let it never be said I miss when someone's upset.

I keep people focused on the work.  I always work hard.  I let people copy and use my ideas.  I do everything I can to help others and be a friend and support people.

Can someone else fix things for once?

200 POSTS!!!


200 posts!  This is an accomplishment! An achievement!  THE GLORIOUSNESS OF MY SECOND HUNDRED!  Glor glory hallelluuuujjjahhh!

...I am currently typing this on a friend's computer.  I think he had to go to the bathroom?  And he gave me permission to use his computer.

So where do I go?  MY BLOG.

What else am I going to do?  Look up porn.

No, I kid, I kid.  I would never.

But it's fun to joke about.

Imagination is Not Creativity

Imagination is not creativity.

This is a strange statement to make, and one that is not aligned with the way I think.  But in our definition essays, we had to figure out what is not our term.  My term was creativity.

You can imagine an object in your room is in a different location, or you can imagine that your computer is purple, but that's not creative.
You can leap frog over someone in the hallway.  It's a creative solution, but it's not imagination.
You can walk around someone in the hallway.  That's neither creative nor imaginative; it's just a common sense solution.

If you write, period, you need to be creative.  People who are bad writers are uncreative.  If you make up a story, whether realistic or fantasy, you are imaginative.  If you can write the statement "Today I went to school" on a school day or "Today I stayed home" on a weekend or "Today I went to work" when you have a job, that's all common sense.

So imaginative and creativity are not common sense.  Imagination is not creativity.

I like these definitions.  I feel more literate now.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Untitled Poem


A difficult four letter word that makes people go crazy, that's frustrating, that leaves you in a lock that you can't escape.
(that's absolutely beautiful, that brings happiness and joy, that's a peace of mind that can't be found anywhere else)

Tomorrow, maybe, will be a better day.  Fingers crossed.
"Maybe", the sweet word - don't worry.
Maybe is possibility, is potential.  It's not "no", it's anything.
"Love", I will love, I will not break.
Or if I do I will tape and glue myself together like a million times before.  The metaphors I use over and over again, as if it will make my words clearer:
as if the people I love don't already know or maybe I'm too scared to say.
I don't say.
Sometimes there's no words.
Inside, inside, until I burst, explode, into a disaster.

Tomorrow will be a better day.
No "maybe" about it.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014


Your whole life is a lie.

You made up your best friend.

Everyone is an actor.

You imagined your career.

Everyone is in on the conspiracy.

Except you.

A combination of two movies I can't get out of my head, concepts that make sleeping difficult.  Beautiful Mind tells the true story of John Nash, a genius with schizophrenia.  He imagines his roommate, who is also his best friend.  He imagines a career working for the government to stop a Russian missile, yet all of it was imaginary.  The career I can handle.  That's not nearly important as friendship.  The best friend, imagining him... That freaks me out.  He had a life, a history.  A niece he had to take care of because his sister died.  He was the "prodigal roommate", and I liked him.
He was fake all along.  It disturbs and bothers me.  I can't get it out of my head.
The Truman Show tells the story of Truman Burbank (played by Jim Carrey).  He lives in a dome called Seahaven, a fake town of actors created for him to live with.  He's the only one who doesn't know he's being watched 24/7, the only one who is real and honest and not an actor.  His life... is a lie.

So now I'm being haunted by fake lives, the possibility that everything is fake.  It won't get out of my head.  How can you know "I think therefore I am", how can you know you are not some imagined creation of someone else, someone who has a mind enough to imagine your very thoughts?
...How do you know you're truly thinking?

How do you know your life isn't some sort of coma-induced dream, that the world around you is fake?

How do you know everyone else isn't an actor? (well, they might slip, ha.)

It disturbs me.  I'm going to go throw a pillow over my head and try and stop thinking about this.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Writing/Plot Mistakes I See Far Too Often

If, like me, you wander into the realms of independant RPG's and amateur writers, or you're one of the many fanfiction goers, you've probably seen the same mistakes over and over again.  In writing and plot.  And it probably drives you insane.  You probably have your own set of pet peeves and "WOULD YOU STOP?!"  The fact of the matter is?  These mistakes are far too easily avoidable.  With a little bit of research.

First step to writing anything: research.  I know that elicited several groans, but research is honestly amazing.  And I don't care if it's in your own made-up world with flying bubbles, you still need to research things.  Maybe how gravity works in this universe; maybe how other people have played this or that plot point.  Research.  It will help you make ten times less mistakes.  I promise.

My biggest pet peeve, in that vein, is seeing the improper use of language.  Probably one of the most common I see is the use of the Japanese word "neko" to mean "human (usually girl) with cat ears and tail".  Neko actually means "cat".  It bugs the ever-living crap out of me.  Spend five seconds Googling the meaning and you'll learn that.  The term people probably mean is "bakeneko", a direct translation of "cat demon".  If you look into Japanese lore, it's easy to realize that adapting "cat demon" into what we English speakers mean takes about much work as cutting a piece of cake.  (In that same vein, "Inuyasha", a popular anime, means "dog demon", and look at his appearance.  Oh my gosh, it's what we mean by "Neko" for dogs!!!!)
Another example is placing in a foreign word in the middle of a sentence when trying to play someone from another country.  That in itself is fine - I have a character (from my baby story <3) who often uses Spanish words when she's stressed or upset.  However, sometimes these words translate to something in English we'd NEVER use.  From what I know of foreign languages (read: very little), they do say some things that may not make sense to an English speaker... but are more likely to call a friend by their name instead of saying "friend", even in a foreign language.  Unless your character regularly refers to their friend as "friend" in English, they probably aren't going to do it in whatever other language they speak.

Thirdly, you're going to want to be realistic.  This realism is so important, I can't emphasis it enough.  Even in fantasy, you want to be realistic.  You want nice, flowing dialogue, a magic system that makes sense, and relatable characters.  You can save the most terrible plots with this.

Speaking of terrible plots...
Enough with the high school drama or the vampire romance or --- gaaahhh.  Holy crap.  Stop.  Stahp.  I just.
Twilight.  TWILIGHT is the disaster that this has caused.
And stop copying Harry Potter.
It's time for new plots people!  Please!
Continuing on that vein, it's especially terrible in role play when there's another 'gifted school'.
Now, if you're writing a realistic fiction slice of life, that's fine.  Do it wherever.  If you're using fantasy and your setting happens to be a high school, that's fine too.
But when it's ALL ABOUT the magical high school and stuff that goes on there, turn away from that and try something else.  I beg of you.

Anyway, I've spent like six months off-and-on writing this, so it's not as good as it could be.  And maybe a little moody.
Enough. xD


Having clinical depression, happiness is something I think about.
A lot.

And not just in a "what is happiness" or "how can I be happier" way.  I mean a "do I deserve happiness" and "how can I be happy" and a "am I happy right now" way.

Yeah, I'm confused as to times when I'm happy or not.  You may think this is silly, but this is something that happens to me all the time.
What is happiness?  It's a feeling of contentment, of joy, a lack of sadness.  It is not, however, apathy, or ceasing to care, or giving up.
But after being sad for a long time, it's wonderful to feel absolutely nothing.

Anyway, a good friend of mine calling herself Zerra has started a blog.  My lovely Z can be found at Trick to Happiness, where she writes beautiful little ponderances.

I'll put her in the side bar.  Eventually.