Wednesday, December 20, 2017

A Letter to Myself (And Anyone Who Needs It)

Hey, there.

I am taking this moment of clarity, when the anxiety and depression have subsided, to remind you.

There are good things in the world.

You are one of them.

You are not a burden, or a monster, or overly needy or clingy.  YES, you need attention.  That's okay.  Humans are social creatures and, regardless of your thoughts about being human, that's what you are right now.

You give as much as you take.  You give MORE than you take, even.  There have been times when you have damaged your own health, both mental and physical, in order to help other people.  You shy away from asking for help.
Don't shy away.  You are surrounded by people who love you, regardless of your thoughts on how worthy you are of that love.  They will help you.

You are not bad.

You are not wrong.

There is hope in the world.

You've finally seen it.

It doesn't get better, but it doesn't get worse, either.  There is light points, high points, and pits of deep despair.  You have hit rock bottom before.  You will hit it again.

You will also walk on air, be madly in love, and get almost everything you want.

The universe is not capricious or cruel.  You are someone who is here, now, and that matters.  That counts for something.  That is so much more than random chance; that is generations building up to the you.

You do not need to follow the lines society sets before you.  You do not have to pretend to have adult interests or do anything that people expect.  People will stare.  People will judge.

But with all that judgment there will also be people like you, who know what it's like, and who aren't afraid to admit that, well, okay, they don't follow society's expectations either.

You exist in this moment for a reason.  Now is the only time the world - nay, the universe - can have you.  It has been waiting for you for so long.  There are people who need to meet you.  Some of them have.  Some of them are still waiting for the exact blend of personality and interests and talents that is you.

There are other people who like to read, who are good at writing, who are kind, who are stubborn.  But none of them are exactly that in exactly your way.  There have been so many people that have come before you, and only you can be you.

You are waiting for the opportunity, and the opportunity is waiting for you.  It is hard, now.  And it will be hard, later.  You know it was hard, then.  But even though it's hard, there are times when it will be easy.  You will find the good.  You will find the happy.

Take a deep breath.

You're not alone, but you are unique.  You are more than chance.

And if you ever find that you get too tired, that's okay.

You haven't lost the battle.

You did what you needed to do.

Just believe in yourself.  Believe in your friends.  Believe in all the love in the world and have, just for a little longer, a little bit of faith in humanity.

You've made it this far.

What's one day more?

Link this, copy and paste the text and share it, whatever.  I only ask that if you copy and paste it somewhere else you say it's by "Kunabee" (that's it), but honestly... if someone could use it.  If you want.  Just share it.

Monday, December 4, 2017

I don't touch my blog in a while, and I find spam comments.

I find spam comments on posts idolizing suicide.

jeez, spam bots.  no tact.

Let me fix this.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

the emptiness is so big that it is suffocating me. if i had some way to kill myself here, i would.

i am alone and i am tired of the lies people tell me and i tell myself.

it does not get better.

i am sorry they lied to you.

I see now that I only ever had two options.

Have a relationship with the people who raised me and who - were, are - supposed to love me unconditionally, or suffer and burn and hold everything in.

I am tired of pretending. I am tired of faking.

I am tired.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Optimism

You can live well
Or live in hell;
It's a subjective truth.
You can find joy wherever you are,
Or else bemoan your lack of youth.

You can find happiness in stormy weather,
And lift yourself up light as a feather;
Else you can find stormy weather in joyous event,
And find yourself regretting every choice,
And never living in the moment.

Optimism is a choice you make;
Or else a chance you take.
And while it is no cure for sadness,
You'll find yourself more predisposed
To the ever-elusive happiness.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Quiet and Dark

I like when it is early in the morning.

Two, three, four AM.

Nobody is up. It is quiet.

The house is dark.

There is no-one on Facebook.

There is no-one to talk to. No posts demanding my attention. No chores I need to do.

The animals are asleep. The only light is my phone, alarm clock, computer.

Sometimes I'm on my phone.

Sometimes I just sit there and embrace the silence.

There is just something about such a time.

When I have nothing to do, nothing that needs to be done.

Sometimes, people are awake.

And we chat.

We say things too scary and too big to say in daylight. We whisper words across a screen, talking about our day. Things we don't usually think about. Philosophy.

I like these times.

When nobody else is awake, when everything is still and quiet.

I like the times when I'm camping, or staying in a hotel or at a sleepover.

I wake up a lot. I hear the other people breathing.

I see the stars.

I close my eyes.

I wake up, and when I've waken up for the eighth or ninth or tenth time, I slide on shoes and creep across and over everyone, outside, and watch the sunrise.

I like the quiet times.

Whether at home or not, there is something about these times when I can't or won't sleep.

Something beautiful, special, sacred.

It is quiet, and it is dark.

So I write.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Optimist/Pessimist

You're either an optimist or a pessimist
and that's how you'll see the world.
Cuz no, it never gets better -
but it doesn't exactly get worse.
For every step forward we take exactly one step back.
It's a tug-of-war with no clear winner to deduce.

For every act of compassion, every selfless soul,
There's another act of hatred waiting behind the door.
For every day of happiness there's one of misery;
For every ache you'll realize how strong you really are.

You're either an optimist or a pessimist,
and that decides if the world is dark or light.
Nothing really changes except what's in and out of sight.
And all the phrases in the world
can't fix your broken heart.

For every smile there's a frown,
For every life there's a death,
For every rainbow colored melody
There's another reason to fret.

You're either an optimist or a pessimist,
and that's how you see the world.
If you see only the doubt you'll think it's getting worse,
but for the light you'll be alright,
and it's better this time around.

Seems it's all at stalemate, with no winner.
Seems it's all the same, nothing worse or better.
Any belief that we've improved
can be met with its opposite,
and truth is neither are correct.

You're either an optimist or a pessimist,
and that's how I see the world.
Two black and white, two wrong and right,
two sides of the same silver coin.
Where good exists, so does bad,
and neither one can win.

You're either an optimist or a pessimist,
it's the wolf that you feed.