the emptiness is so big that it is suffocating me. if i had some way to kill myself here, i would.
i am alone and i am tired of the lies people tell me and i tell myself.
it does not get better.
i am sorry they lied to you.
You can live well
Or live in hell;
It's a subjective truth.
You can find joy wherever you are,
Or else bemoan your lack of youth.
You can find happiness in stormy weather,
And lift yourself up light as a feather;
Else you can find stormy weather in joyous event,
And find yourself regretting every choice,
And never living in the moment.
Optimism is a choice you make;
Or else a chance you take.
And while it is no cure for sadness,
You'll find yourself more predisposed
To the ever-elusive happiness.
I like when it is early in the morning.
Two, three, four AM.
Nobody is up. It is quiet.
The house is dark.
There is no-one on Facebook.
There is no-one to talk to. No posts demanding my attention. No chores I need to do.
The animals are asleep. The only light is my phone, alarm clock, computer.
Sometimes I'm on my phone.
Sometimes I just sit there and embrace the silence.
There is just something about such a time.
When I have nothing to do, nothing that needs to be done.
Sometimes, people are awake.
And we chat.
We say things too scary and too big to say in daylight. We whisper words across a screen, talking about our day. Things we don't usually think about. Philosophy.
I like these times.
When nobody else is awake, when everything is still and quiet.
I like the times when I'm camping, or staying in a hotel or at a sleepover.
I wake up a lot. I hear the other people breathing.
I see the stars.
I close my eyes.
I wake up, and when I've waken up for the eighth or ninth or tenth time, I slide on shoes and creep across and over everyone, outside, and watch the sunrise.
I like the quiet times.
Whether at home or not, there is something about these times when I can't or won't sleep.
Something beautiful, special, sacred.
It is quiet, and it is dark.
So I write.