Friday, September 27, 2013

The Top: Saying Good-byes

You will never understand how much I love you.
I never fell for you, I don't want to be your girlfriend.  I just want to be there for you.
I just want to give it all up for you.

Even when you clawed out my heart, even when you broke it in two, even when it was shattered on the ground, I still loved you.
Even now, even when distance makes my memories hurt, and make me long for the pain or the joy or whatever it was you meant to me, I love you.

I have hated others before.  I have hated myself.  But now?  I don't hate anyone.  All I feel is a terrible love that is ripping me into pieces.

I don't want kisses or flowers or gifts.  I just want someone who understands what it's like to care for people you do not know, for people who have hit you down, for people you know only as the best of friends until yesterday happened.

"This too shall pass", words I don't want to listen to though I know they're true.  Words I haven't listened enough to.

Now I realize everyone will forget the good in others, everyone except for me.  Because I am the nobody, the exception, the person who is not like other people.  The one who wants to listen, who cares.  Yes, even now, even when you've decided I am not worthy of you, I care for you.

You'll know who you are, someday, or maybe you know right now.  Either way I am here, solid as a rock, ready to hold you or listen or go to the ends of the world for you.  I have heard your lies as they ring against my ears, and my heart is broken.  Yes, you have lied to me.  If I know you you have lied to me at least once, some lies greater than others, but it has happened all the same.

I am sure you have felt the pain of loss, but I don't think you quite understand.

I write this with two people in mind, one who broke me from the day I met her and one who I gave my whole heart to and has chosen to break me because of something that I am not at fault with.

And yes, even though one of them will probably never read this and the other will never change her mind I write this, because it is not just them that I love but you, whoever you are.  And if you are them I hope you understand that this is who you are, that these words are meant for you, and that I am still here.

I am a rock for everyone; I will not retract my patience, my willing ear, because of wrongs both past and present.  No, I am the one who gives second chances and yes, you'll always have second chances with me.  And third, and fourth, and fifth, and millions of chances.

I cannot forget.  I am not God, these wrongs cannot leave my mind.  But I do forgive.  So yes, I forgive you all that you have done to me, all the ways you have broken me.  I will not forget.  This means trust will come slowly, it means I may be suspicious, and that you must be patient with me because I would be patient with you if the rolls were reversed.

But it could happen.  I cannot change this.  It is not my fault and I have no power.  And it hurts, it hurts like nothing I've felt before, but I can't change your mind or what you've decided and the fact you have decided I am lesser than you.

I tell you now, I am greater than those who have broken my heart.  Because today I listened to someone, despite my own problems, and told her I loved her.  Because today I took the time to sit with someone, to give them compliments, in the hopes that maybe he'll feel better tomorrow.  Because today I taught someone that she could trust me as I lifted her up in dance class.

If you have not been one of the people who've damaged me, which now are very, very few, and I probably don't know them, then perhaps I am not greater than you.  I can't judge.  But I am at least equal to you, to all of you, because here I am, still smiling, still strong.

I am on top of that mountain and it is beautiful, and I feel sad because you will never ever see this.  You will never see how beautiful love is, how strong and pure and true the world is, how touching, how perfect it is when two living creatures meet in soul and not in body.  Yes, look at my soul, it is tattered and ripped but here it is.

You probably have a piece of it, along with the heart I gave you.  The love I feel for you does not come easily, but once I climbed this mountain I saw it.

There will be more good-bye's in my life, more tears, more pain.  But I am at the top of the mountain, and though there will be monsters and inner demons wanting to throw me back down I will cling to this.  I will cling to the feeling of knowing I can rest, the feeling of peace, the feeling of knowing at last that I am not lesser than anyone, and greater than many.

Because despite everything, I still love you.
You will never understand how much I love you.
I don't see anyone else on top of this mountain but me.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Manners, Morals, and Modern Life

Schoooooool.  It always makes me think deep thoughts.  Maybe because I actually experience more when I'm there; I'm dealing with 2500 people (roughly) and the freshmen are, well, pretty obnoxious.  Not to mention classes, where God loves to bop me on the head with spiritual and life lessons while history and science shove facts down my throat.  Not like I'm particularly bothered or anything (I like learning), but it can get overwhelming sometimes...
But that's besides the whole point of this post, so let's move on to that.

Today I was in the line for lunch.  I was standing idly.  I got distracted with talking to a friend.  We chatted and had fun.
Then this freshman decided to attempt to cut me.  I kept inching forward to change my position to the point where he wouldn't be able to go in front, but he kind of nudged me out of the way.  Then he was holding his nose and said, "Ew, you smell.  Do you ever take a bath?"


Ouch.  Yup, this stuck up freshman was being a total jerk to a junior.  I didn't say anything.  I didn't bother with him.  (It was actually rather wonderful to be able to have it roll of my shoulders that easily.  Even just a few months ago it would have had me in tears.)  I just let him cut in front.
Because he'll do something similar with someone else, and they will verbally murder him.  They will be as rude and inconsiderate as he is.  Because once you reach high school, nobody takes BS from anybody.
Except for, you know, some people.  Me sometimes; it's about fifty fifty and is all dependent on the sort of BS I get.

Another thing that happened in English...  The English teacher handed out to us permission slips for R-rated movies.  Now, I've seen some of R-rated movies (really, parts of them) and my parents only on occasion watch certain fairly "toned down" R movies.  The English teacher was all like, "Hey guys, just check the permission so you can see the movies.  You're all mature enough, I mean we're watching movies like Crash for example."

What she apparently didn't understand was religious morals and values families may have.  It doesn't matter how mature you are, it matters what you want to expose yourself to.  For example, I'd probably read an "adult content" book if that adult content wasn't cussing and didn't have explicit sexual description.  I could probably handle that cussing and sexual description; however, I want to be opened to more positive experiences.  My church advises against stuff like that, and I proudly follow what my church teaches.

My joy at turning in the permission slip also apparently passed by her; she read my happiness as it meaning I was happy to be able to watch the movie.  When she found out that the thing I had check marked was "no" (and I actually filled out the WHOLE THING, all my mother did was sign) she instantly passed by my happiness and offered to call my mother to explain things to her so I could watch the movie.

These are just two examples of stuff that everyone has to deal with.  Sometimes it's in middle school; sometimes you're in high school before you realize that people suck.
Either way, to keep yourself strong in this adversity is really hard.  People will be cruel and beat you up - sometimes physically and not just mentally/emotionally - and think that it's "your parents" or something that's not YOUR choice.  High school is when everyone says, "The kid can decide it all!"

But honestly?  I still let my mom handle a lot of my decisions.  I'm not ready for bills or a family.  I am not mature enough to decide whether or not I should/can go to an alcoholic party.  I mean, personally, I've never been invited to a party and SO BADLY want to go to one... but if it has alcohol in it, I shouldn't go.  I probably would anyway.

It's been a political scheme, an ignored fact by teachers, and something everyone takes for granted.  Now that we're fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, and even eighteen, we are smart enough to do all these things and mature enough to watch things like R-rated movies; nothing else should matter.  But it does matter.  I don't care that you're eighteen years old, you're still a teenager.  Me, at sixteen (almost seventeen!) years old, am still a kid.

Maturity does not come overnight.  As teenagers, we need to remember that are parents often... really do know best.  As adults, people need to remember that kindness is key.  "Do unto others as you would them do unto you" is the Golden Rule for a reason.

And, on top of it all, we need to remember that without morals, civilization and structure would fall completely apart.  So stay strong in the face of adversity; and encourage your friends to hold true to what they believe.

In the modern world, sometimes the medieval basics are the best to fall back on.

(but, within reason.  Let's not, y'know, bring back the horrifying medieval torture instruments back, or anything...)

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Learning to Love Myself

There's a mountain.  It's a big old thing.  I've been climbing it for a while - four years in fact.  I'm almost to the top now.  I made it there once, but tripped and fell.  I didn't fall too far, and here I am, almost there again.  I just have to take one step at a time.  Move forward.  Sometimes I can't get my feet to move.  Sometimes I fall a step or two.

When I was little there was a storm.  I was only ten at the time.  It had built up since I was eight or so. Dark gray clouds, but they eventually started pouring.  I stood out in it, felt myself soaked to the skin.  I thought the sun was still shining, I got so wet.  And anyway I loved the rain; I danced in it and laughed and really enjoyed myself.  It just brought a little sadness, with it being so gray and all.  Still, though, it was mostly fun.

At twelve, I walked into the halls of my middle school.  There was a monsoon.  It crashed against me, tossed me about; the rain had gone on for far too long.  I was drowning.

The monsoon ended after a year, but then the earthquakes started.  They shook my world.  And, eventually, produced a mountain.

This is the mountain I have been climbing.  I am armed with only my backpack and the occasionally stopping points on my way.  Behind me I can see the people on the ground cheering; you can't see them when you're close to the bottom.

Now I'm almost at the top.  I stepped up there for a day and I realized I was beautiful.

I see the world and see how wonderful it all is.  It's an amazing place.  I mean, look at that sun over there.  I couldn't see it from the ground.
The last little hill, this last little bump, is all about the most difficult task.  I've forgiven others, seen that people care for me, and struggled past all the people telling me lies.  I know where to go now.

All I need to do is remember how to love myself again, and with this mountain below me...  I know I can do it.  And that is a really powerful feeling.

Friday, September 6, 2013


Are you a hero,
Or a traitor in disguise?
How can one know you,
If the mask never goes away?

Chocolate chip cookies,
Sweet apple pie,
Flowers and sea shells,
What are you worth?

 You've worn your mask,
You've forgotten,
How to feel and love,
Discoveries make.

Are you my hero,
Or a traitor in disguise?
Happy endings are impossible,
When you can't be found.

Light up the sky,
Make the heroine cry.
It's not always a happy end,
Though I do try.

Far away on distant shore,
You will read a letter.
Far away on distant shore,
I may wait forever.

Kiss me on my cheek,
Whisper my name.
Give me sweet nothings,
As I fall asleep.

Are you a hero,
Or a traitor in disguise?
Your mask never comes off,
This will never be the same.

Light up the sky,
Make the heroine cry.
Flowers and sea shells,
Weaved through my hair.

I will remember you,
Prince Charming,
Though you haven't been found.
Why are you waiting?

Light up the sky,
Make the heroine cry.
Are you a hero,
Or a traitor in disguise?

What are you waiting for?
My whole world to change?
Aren't you happy with this broken soul?
Or is it someone else you're searching for?

Are you a hero,
Or a traitor in disguise?
Though you haven't been found,
Your mask still hides your face.

Flowers and seashells,
Make the heroine cry.
Are you my hero,
Or a traitor in disguise?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


I am the fixer, the peacekeeper, the solutionist, the person who makes sure people don't kill each other or hate each other forever.  I am the person who buries it all inside, who only shows emotion to a few people (read: my mom and a friend I don't even know in real life (who knows who she is)), who makes sure everyone is happy at her expense.

Today a boy who has been rude to me had his mom send an e-mail to mine.  Or something of that nature.  Honestly whatever happened it was the mom sent mine an e-mail because of a fight that is between ME AND THAT BOY.  All I did was get advice from my mom.  She sent no e-mails, no anything.  Just gave me some advice.

My mom suggested I tell his friends what's happening.  What did I tell her?  I told her that I wouldn't because I didn't want him to lose his friends or have them be angry at them.

I'm never someone who wants to hold her friends back.  I encourage them.  If they want to sit by someone else, fine.  I do have my jealousy issues.  I will admit this.  I'm far, far, far from perfect.  However, I'm not about to hold my friends back.  I'm the one who suggests friendships, who opens up the doors for friends (as best as I can).

And yet, here it is.  I'm being blamed for something not my fault.  It is all falling apart.  It seems everything I've done for everyone doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter that I give and give and give.

It doesn't matter that I never blame people, that I always am willing to give people a chance.  It doesn't matter that I would die for a stranger and never want someone else hurt, ever!  Doesn't matter that I always behave.  None of this matters.

All that matters is that I'm easy to blame.  Yes, that's right.  This self-sacrificing goody-two-shoes always solves her problems (and other people's too).  But I'm always the one people talk to.  "Stop doing that," they say to me, because I don't sit by the side and stay silent.  I state my opinions and that means I do fight with people.  I stand up to bullies.

And oh, what happens?  I get told to stop.  I get told to fix it.  I get told to be the bigger person.

Well screw it.  I'm done.

If anyone wants to be my friend still, that's your effing business.  Figure it out yourself.  Because me?  I'm done with the effort it takes to maintain this stuff.  I'm done with the effort it takes to smile and then just help someone out.  I'm done with the effort it takes to make and keep friends.  I've done it all my damn life, and it hasn't payed off.

Your turn.