Wednesday, September 4, 2013


I am the fixer, the peacekeeper, the solutionist, the person who makes sure people don't kill each other or hate each other forever.  I am the person who buries it all inside, who only shows emotion to a few people (read: my mom and a friend I don't even know in real life (who knows who she is)), who makes sure everyone is happy at her expense.

Today a boy who has been rude to me had his mom send an e-mail to mine.  Or something of that nature.  Honestly whatever happened it was the mom sent mine an e-mail because of a fight that is between ME AND THAT BOY.  All I did was get advice from my mom.  She sent no e-mails, no anything.  Just gave me some advice.

My mom suggested I tell his friends what's happening.  What did I tell her?  I told her that I wouldn't because I didn't want him to lose his friends or have them be angry at them.

I'm never someone who wants to hold her friends back.  I encourage them.  If they want to sit by someone else, fine.  I do have my jealousy issues.  I will admit this.  I'm far, far, far from perfect.  However, I'm not about to hold my friends back.  I'm the one who suggests friendships, who opens up the doors for friends (as best as I can).

And yet, here it is.  I'm being blamed for something not my fault.  It is all falling apart.  It seems everything I've done for everyone doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter that I give and give and give.

It doesn't matter that I never blame people, that I always am willing to give people a chance.  It doesn't matter that I would die for a stranger and never want someone else hurt, ever!  Doesn't matter that I always behave.  None of this matters.

All that matters is that I'm easy to blame.  Yes, that's right.  This self-sacrificing goody-two-shoes always solves her problems (and other people's too).  But I'm always the one people talk to.  "Stop doing that," they say to me, because I don't sit by the side and stay silent.  I state my opinions and that means I do fight with people.  I stand up to bullies.

And oh, what happens?  I get told to stop.  I get told to fix it.  I get told to be the bigger person.

Well screw it.  I'm done.

If anyone wants to be my friend still, that's your effing business.  Figure it out yourself.  Because me?  I'm done with the effort it takes to maintain this stuff.  I'm done with the effort it takes to smile and then just help someone out.  I'm done with the effort it takes to make and keep friends.  I've done it all my damn life, and it hasn't payed off.

Your turn.

1 comment:

  1. I know this has been a tough night and that today will be tough, too. But you are right, you are a good person, well behaved and a fixer like your mom. But that can be a hard place to live. Just give things time and keep your distance from him. Sometimes we don't want it to be, but things will turn out in the way they are supposed to. Just remember who you are and what you want for YOU. I love you, Sweetie.