Friday, October 25, 2013

Desperate for Organization

Soso, in Photobucket, I've recently gone through and sorted everything into categories.

That means my links are all missed up.

If you happen to wander here from a forums I'm on or some such, and know a link is missing, tell me so I can fix it.

If the images are missing from this blog, tell me so I can fix it.

That is all.

Omg I can actually FIND things now...


If ever a 'Kunabee', 'Kunabee Tiger', or any other variant on 'Kunabee' did an image for you, and that image got messed up, that's probably me.  Go ahead and post there (or contact me on the website I know you on) and I'll fix this up for you.  Thanks.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Why Don't You Care?

Why don't you care?
I've left plenty of room between the lines,
Plenty of "I hurt" between "I'm fine."
I've smiled when broken, listened when sad,
I hate being the kid, I can't even be mad.
I've whispered what I need,
But still you don't see.
I'm too scared to scream, but that's just me.

Why don't you care?
I've told you before;
I'm desperate and dying,
Useless and unsure.
And, insult to injury, pathetic as I am,
I fall completely apart when things don't go according to plan.

Why don't you care?
Or do you just not understand?
I'm trying my hardest to live by your rules,
But there's nothing you give me,
No slack that can free me.
I guess we are too far apart I'm this world,
I the little, broken-hearted girl,
And you drunk on power, though, it's not too bad.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

An Argument for Technology

Technology is very much a part of life. I'm writing this post on a new smart phone, my Samsung Galaxy S3.  It truly has taken over our lives.  Nobody can deny the massive reliance on phones, computers, TV.  But despite all the hate technology gets, it seems very few argue for its benefits.  With "internet addiction" to become a disease in 2014 and people struggling to have a conversation when face-to-face, it seems there are no benefits to this so-called plague.
But I'm here to say different.  Technology definitely has its issues; otherwise saying so is ignoring all the people at the stores or bus stops on their smart phones or tablets.  However, these issues are not the issues of technology.  They are issues of human self control, encoded in our DNA to be lazy, to take the easiest way out.  How much easier is it to stream music on your phone than buy tickets to watch your favorite band?  How simple is it to press a few keys, tap a few buttons, and have every library in the world at your fingers?  It is straightforward enough to Google whatever you want or need.  Instant gratification - but instant gratification of things our ancestors could only dream of!
We have become addicted to these things, is the argument most would give.  But is that such a bad thing?  The world is becoming more catered to our younger generations, the millennials and we teenagers who have grown up in a world where everyone has the coolest phones and latest gadgets.  I can rightfully say I have been a "long-time poet" because a long time is no longer decadeS but a single period of ten years.  You're old at fifty even though living to one hundred is becoming a common occurrence.  Technology is a part of this paradigm shift.  It is also, irreversibly, a part of everyones' lives.  I know many of my generation who mock older people who cannot use a smart phone or the internet.  I also know that there's too many times when I've gone behind my parents' backs, utilizing the technology they have trouble with.
These, of course, are all negatives.  So what, then, are the positives?
As someone with social anxiety (and anxieties of other forms...) and depression, I have found a strong, immobile support group online.  People who I would never have met in real life I've been able to contact and talk to.  Ask almost anyone else with a mental health issue (at least, those of teenagers and college age kids) and you'll get a similar response.  Mental health issues, for many teenagers especially, have been addressed and aided online when there is no support or understanding to be found anywhere else, especially if those in the LGBT community.
On top of the support, the internet has promoted a greater amount of understanding than anywhere else.  Research is easier to do than ever, and though people still act like sheep, it has not been in any way helped by the internet.  Not only that, but television has also promoted greater understanding and acceptance.  Technology is a benefit.  Whatever issues come about from it are almost always caused by our human nature.

A Song That Fits

This is good about describing my feelings about the current situation...  Only it's about a friend, not a love interest.  Still dang rough.

O.A.R - Shattered (Turn the Car Around).

Monday, October 7, 2013

To S------

You know, I have always felt alone.

I am the girl who cares, who gives a crap, who loves and listens and who never is appreciated.

Today I found someone who is like that.  Someone who knows what it's like to be the shoulder, the rock, everybody else's support and finding none of her own.

Today I was her support.  And as she fell apart in front of me I held her in my arms and told her that I admired her.  She is strong, she is powerful, and I look up to her.

Today I found someone who would run after me like I ran after her.  Today I found someone who knows what it's like to care for people who have abused you in some way or another.  Today I found someone who has been where I've been, who's in places I'm not, and who doesn't know some things that I've felt.

I never would have been there for her if not for the issues with my other friend.  Today I am afraid she would have been pushed off the edge.  But there I was.

And when I'm falling apart, I have someone to call who will listen.

This is the poem I wrote for her:

When you think you're alone, I am there.
I love you because
You are strong
And a person I want to be.
You've walked the higher road
In situations worse than mine.

When you think no-one cares, He cares.
He died for you.
He loves you because you are strong.
You do not preach His word,
Or know His word,
But you ARE His word.

So don't give up,
Because I'll stand by you,
Hold you close
And together we'll know.
We are strong.

It shares the same title of this blog post.

I've been looking for so long, and here's a kindred spirit in the place I never expected to find one.

Of course I look up to her.

Saturday, October 5, 2013


You know, you'd think that with my friends I wouldn't have to deal with the shit I have to deal with.  You think that I wouldn't get the "nobody does this" or the "everybody does that" comments.  But still I get them.  Yeah, I'm a freaking nobody.  People actually have the audacity to wonder why I struggle with self-esteem when, inadvertently or not, they are constantly calling me a 'nobody'.

I have never been accepted, I have never found someone who can appreciate me.

And I can't freaking say anything, because every time I do all of a sudden it's my fault I'm the nobody.  I'm the one who gets punished, I'm the one who gets blamed, I'm the one who is the 'instigator'. Because I have the gall to stand up for myself.

Even with my mother, she can't even stand to be wrong just once.  Oh, she's okay with me being right.  As long as she's not wrong.  But as soon as I suggest she may be remembering something wrong, or she may have done something, she gets pissed off.  Even when her voice is clearly frustrated, while my voice is perfectly calm, she claims I'm the "pissy one".  Really?  Because that is sure as hell not what it stands like.

Of course I have no self-esteem.  I am a nobody, I am always wrong, it is always my fucking fault.

And where has God been?  Certainly not answering the prayers that I can't say.

Because I can't say shit.  As soon as I speak up, I get beaten down.  And I get that enough from my silence.

Of course I'm suicidal.

Nobody fucking cares.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I freaking love animals

I'll pick you up when you have no feet,
Because I know you'd do the same for me.

"Are you okay, buddy?"

For He Gave Me Patience

As I sit alone I shall wait,
For He gave me patience.
I shall not hurt, I shall not hate,
For He gave me patience.
I will smile and appreciate,
For He gave me patience.
I will see small things become great,
For He gave me patience.

I am His child,
A chosen one,
Though I am not perfect,
I am with the rising sun.

As I feel boots in my side, I will not cry,
For He gave me patience.
I will forgive my enemy, or at least try,
For He gave me patience.
I will offer open arms and truth, not lies,
For He gave me patience.
It will not be for earthly riches I time,
For He gave me patience.

I am His child,
A mansion in heaven.
Though I am not perfect,
I am truly blessed.

To K--------

Don't you know I did it for you?
I agreed because of you,
Changed myself to fit you,
Got on good terms with your parents for you.
I made an effort,
Said those things because of you,
And I didn't let you down.
I was selfless, giving,
Offered a hand when you weren't around,
To impress you, to see you,
To let you know how I cared,
And to show what a good person,
What a good influence I was,
To your family and other friends.
I fought long and hard,
Offered hugs and sympathy,
It was you who chose not to talk to me.
You chose to give it up.
Now I am broken, and lost,
I never gave up on you.
Now I think of you, and ache,
And see you, and ache,
And tears fill all my days.
I've cried for you,
And I would die for you.
I cared for you,
And I will listen to you.
Here I am, lost and alone,
Adrift in the sea, now,
I call it home.
And I want you,
Please remember my tears for you,
My heart filled for you,
And how when I reached out,
You didn't understand,
You ran and hid,
And I forgot about it
And loved you anyway.
Can't you see what you've done to me?
I hear your voice,
And I ache,
I see you,
And I ache,
I think of you,
And I ache.
I can't tell you to earn me back,
Because if you came running,
I'd hug you, love you, and wipe away your tears.