You know, you'd think that with my friends I wouldn't have to deal with the shit I have to deal with. You think that I wouldn't get the "nobody does this" or the "everybody does that" comments. But still I get them. Yeah, I'm a freaking nobody. People actually have the audacity to wonder why I struggle with self-esteem when, inadvertently or not, they are constantly calling me a 'nobody'.
I have never been accepted, I have never found someone who can appreciate me.
And I can't freaking say anything, because every time I do all of a sudden it's my fault I'm the nobody. I'm the one who gets punished, I'm the one who gets blamed, I'm the one who is the 'instigator'. Because I have the gall to stand up for myself.
Even with my mother, she can't even stand to be wrong just once. Oh, she's okay with me being right. As long as she's not wrong. But as soon as I suggest she may be remembering something wrong, or she may have done something, she gets pissed off. Even when her voice is clearly frustrated, while my voice is perfectly calm, she claims I'm the "pissy one". Really? Because that is sure as hell not what it stands like.
Of course I have no self-esteem. I am a nobody, I am always wrong, it is always my fucking fault.
And where has God been? Certainly not answering the prayers that I can't say.
Because I can't say shit. As soon as I speak up, I get beaten down. And I get that enough from my silence.
Of course I'm suicidal.
Nobody fucking cares.