Friday, September 27, 2013

The Top: Saying Good-byes

You will never understand how much I love you.
I never fell for you, I don't want to be your girlfriend.  I just want to be there for you.
I just want to give it all up for you.

Even when you clawed out my heart, even when you broke it in two, even when it was shattered on the ground, I still loved you.
Even now, even when distance makes my memories hurt, and make me long for the pain or the joy or whatever it was you meant to me, I love you.

I have hated others before.  I have hated myself.  But now?  I don't hate anyone.  All I feel is a terrible love that is ripping me into pieces.

I don't want kisses or flowers or gifts.  I just want someone who understands what it's like to care for people you do not know, for people who have hit you down, for people you know only as the best of friends until yesterday happened.

"This too shall pass", words I don't want to listen to though I know they're true.  Words I haven't listened enough to.

Now I realize everyone will forget the good in others, everyone except for me.  Because I am the nobody, the exception, the person who is not like other people.  The one who wants to listen, who cares.  Yes, even now, even when you've decided I am not worthy of you, I care for you.

You'll know who you are, someday, or maybe you know right now.  Either way I am here, solid as a rock, ready to hold you or listen or go to the ends of the world for you.  I have heard your lies as they ring against my ears, and my heart is broken.  Yes, you have lied to me.  If I know you you have lied to me at least once, some lies greater than others, but it has happened all the same.

I am sure you have felt the pain of loss, but I don't think you quite understand.

I write this with two people in mind, one who broke me from the day I met her and one who I gave my whole heart to and has chosen to break me because of something that I am not at fault with.

And yes, even though one of them will probably never read this and the other will never change her mind I write this, because it is not just them that I love but you, whoever you are.  And if you are them I hope you understand that this is who you are, that these words are meant for you, and that I am still here.

I am a rock for everyone; I will not retract my patience, my willing ear, because of wrongs both past and present.  No, I am the one who gives second chances and yes, you'll always have second chances with me.  And third, and fourth, and fifth, and millions of chances.

I cannot forget.  I am not God, these wrongs cannot leave my mind.  But I do forgive.  So yes, I forgive you all that you have done to me, all the ways you have broken me.  I will not forget.  This means trust will come slowly, it means I may be suspicious, and that you must be patient with me because I would be patient with you if the rolls were reversed.

But it could happen.  I cannot change this.  It is not my fault and I have no power.  And it hurts, it hurts like nothing I've felt before, but I can't change your mind or what you've decided and the fact you have decided I am lesser than you.

I tell you now, I am greater than those who have broken my heart.  Because today I listened to someone, despite my own problems, and told her I loved her.  Because today I took the time to sit with someone, to give them compliments, in the hopes that maybe he'll feel better tomorrow.  Because today I taught someone that she could trust me as I lifted her up in dance class.

If you have not been one of the people who've damaged me, which now are very, very few, and I probably don't know them, then perhaps I am not greater than you.  I can't judge.  But I am at least equal to you, to all of you, because here I am, still smiling, still strong.

I am on top of that mountain and it is beautiful, and I feel sad because you will never ever see this.  You will never see how beautiful love is, how strong and pure and true the world is, how touching, how perfect it is when two living creatures meet in soul and not in body.  Yes, look at my soul, it is tattered and ripped but here it is.

You probably have a piece of it, along with the heart I gave you.  The love I feel for you does not come easily, but once I climbed this mountain I saw it.

There will be more good-bye's in my life, more tears, more pain.  But I am at the top of the mountain, and though there will be monsters and inner demons wanting to throw me back down I will cling to this.  I will cling to the feeling of knowing I can rest, the feeling of peace, the feeling of knowing at last that I am not lesser than anyone, and greater than many.

Because despite everything, I still love you.
You will never understand how much I love you.
I don't see anyone else on top of this mountain but me.

1 comment:

  1. You are so strong, my girl. You know who you are and nothing and no one can or will ever defeat that. Lies come but with a price to those who tell them to us. Love you, Mama