Challenge

So yesterday, as I was ambling around the internet, I stumbled upon something.  About autism.  This piqued my curiosity, as I have a current friend with Asperger's and an old friend from elementary school with autism.
I fell in love with a blog I had managed to link-wander through: Diary of a Mom.  I want to be a mother, so this showed me a unique set of challenges I hopefully won't have to face, but might.
It opened up the floodgates, it inspired curiosity, and - most importantly - it made me smile.  It made me see the similarities.

Through this blog, I discovered an autistic 'meltdown' (oh goodness, I hope I'm using these words respectively and in a correct way).  And it struck me, when reading it over, how much it's like... me.

I'm not autistic.  I am academically advanced (albeit chronically lazy).  But I have anxiety and depression, and meltdowns... I do that too.

There are too many people.  There are too many issues.  It is never lights and colors and sounds, it is people and thoughts and the concrete things, not the way my brain processes it.  I break.  I crack.  I burst into tears, I flee, I do everything I can.  I - shut - down.

Words are my everything.  I find it exceedingly hard to communicate without them, whether written or spoken.
A girl in my class has autism and she struggles to speak.  She's in my acting class, and I think she enjoys it.  I don't know.  I can't tell.  I'm scared.
I am scared to approach her, because the only way I know how to communicate is with words and hugs and holding hands.
Autism is not always friendly to that.

Another boy, in my psychology class, is talkative.  He recites lines from movies, but he also talks to us openly.  I talk back.  I can talk, and words are how I communicate - quotes are how I dance around issues, how I begin to express my opinion.

This girl is different.  She is "Tummy T" (omitting all but the first letter of her name for reasons), a name alliteration she made up in our acting class.  She can mimic things other people do easily, but she needs to be guided.
In the same way, in some games she is not fully included.  We are not sure if we should tag her when practicing the name games, we are not sure if she should ever be in the center of the circle.
The awkwardness permeates, and yet: "I love T.  She's great."  Someone said that.  Someone found the light to communicate with her.

I can't, and it breaks my heart.

But then I turn to myself.
I like blogs and stories like this, when I can understand more.  When a new world is unlocked and opened for me, when I am no longer trapped in my own filter and lens.
The similarities of people are terrifying and exhilarating.  Everyone shuns that which is different.  We all put up masks and play pretend.  Normalcy is a farce that keeps people separate and broken.  What if we broke the chain?
What if we allowed ourselves to be ourselves, stopped judging, stopped being so overly sensitive, and just -- be?  No more colors, no more constraints, only beautiful souls with all the potential in the world.

I have anxiety and depression.  I get meltdowns.
(I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  It can go away.  I pigged out yesterday.  I'm a failure.)
I am one of those kids labelled "gifted and talented", G&T, rising from a second grade reading class to a girl everyone says "stop reading and pay attention!" to.
(I am lazy.  I can't do anything right.  I need to be working on homework but I'm - still - procrastinating.)
I am in an in-between state, of adult and child.  The teenager years.  I am in an in-between state of intelligence and laziness, of this and that.
(I am stupid and ugly and ugh.  There is nothing good about me.  Why do I keep trying when it's so pointless?)

Similarities for everyone.
Minds don't work the same.
Everyone has their challenges and their own hells.
Who are we to be?

effort

i wish
people would listen
and  hear me
instead of hearing
what they think is the truth.

even with friends
it happens.

i am alone.
everyone feels this way sometimes.

i'm not the only one.

why can't i
take a moment
to breathe
and regret
and not let go?

just a moment
where's it's about me
and my wants
my needs
my problems
instead of everyone else.

i do that
for other people.
but apparently
i'm not worth the effort

Hates Gonna Hate

...I may or may not be listening to Taylor Swift's new debut single "Shake it Off" right now *COUGH*

seriously though, people love ignorance.  Hatred is so much ignorance like for reals.  You hate because of a lack of knowledge.  That's racism and religious persecution and stuff.
Knowledge is power.  Knowledge is also related to not hating.  It's seriously obnoxious when people are hateful.
Just.
Stoooop.

Poem time.

Paint me a pretty little picture with all the pieces missing,
You're wrong, dead wrong, when you think you know me,
You say these things and all I hear is some made-up story,
About how you think you know me when you don't.
You sing your songs and tell your tales and never let go,
You shackle all your anger and your pain and drag it around all day,
And of course you think I do the same.
I am so done with this BS, the fact letting go is a killer,
Listen to the songs that everybody's singing,
For once in your life let it apply.

My life is no easy breezy Covergirl commercial,
It's no movie with a problem easily solved,
I've spent hours trying to escape,
I don't know where to go.
A train ticket costs my soul, which I plan to keep,
A little vacation's going to cost my heart,
I'm really rather tired of the judgement and the trap,
Since when did society get so bad?

Money money money makes the world go round.
Everyone thinks they know everything,
Nobody's willing to admit they're wrong.
You're wrong, dead wrong, when you think you know me,
All you're saying is this made-up story.
You shackle all your mistakes and then you repeat,
I refuse to do the same.

I am so done with this BS, the fact hate is a hero.
Listen to the words that are whispered so soft,
There's some good everywhere if you know how to look,
Nobody looks, keep all your rage,
I'm done with the grudges and I'm done with the pain.
You shackle all the people who've done you wrong to your wrist,
I refuse to do the same.

Money money money makes the world go round,
It's a fact I can't escape.
I am so done with this BS, the fact hate's bigger than love,
Listen listen listen instead of all the yelling you've been doing.
You're wrong, dead wrong, when you think you know me,
I'm so much stronger than you'd expect.
I was raised on happy endings,
This is one thing I won't screw up and regret.
You hate things that are different and people who make mistakes,
I refuse to do the same.

...Bits and pieces of that are posted directly at people.  Like, I picture your face (or avatar) in my head for this one part.
Mostly about hating and ignoring the good and absolutely nothing to do with BS stories about me.

A Happy, Completely Not-Bitter ,Very Much True Poem for Your Reading Pleasure

I see far too much good
To believe that everything is bad
To believe human nature is dark
When I see the child's dying wish to save another soul
Or the man who would pull another out of the sea,
I shake my head and wonder
How do we think so negatively?

Bitterness is not in my nature,
Because, time and time again,
I realize how blessed my life is,
And how beautiful the world is,
And I'm glad for all my friends.

I have learned that the ones
Who give good its very name
Are the quiet ones
Who do not seek fame.

So do not listen to the yells,
Do not watch the same old news.
Look closer, softer, on tip-toe.
See the city from a skyscraper,
And the mountain from within.
Be quiet, and you will realize
That good always wins.

The Long-Awaited, Drool-Worthy, I'm-Going-To-Murder-Something... SIMS 4

I saw the trailers.  The graphics, the convenience... oh, it was glorious!

And then I found this:
http://forum.thesims3.com/jforum/posts/list/759976.page

What is that long list, you ask?
Features Sims 4 doesn't have.  Features that are necessary, nay, ESSENTIAL to the Sims franchise.  Sure, I can live without pools and basements... but toddlers!  I want toddlers!  And how dare they remove the aliens... It was bad enough that they psyched us out in Sims 3 with such nonsense!  And, they removed Story Progression?  The thing people ADORED in Sims 3?  The thing people WANTED, SO BADLY, in sims 3?

And then make some things... Sims-1 esque?  I don't know of a game that still uses predefined colors when it has a focus on creation other than Furcadia, and that game's very old.  And what about SCHOOLS?!  Childrens and teens need SCHOOL!

REBELLION!  TAKE DOWN THE TYRANNY OF EA!

DO NOT BUY THIS CULTIST MONSTER OF A GAME.

I am angry.  If I could do something horrible (...and not go to jail...) I would.  This is unacceptable.

I get it.  I really do.  Games take ages to make, and they're a lot of work.

But Sims 3 was amazing.  Why is Sims 4 so much... less so?

I thought I needed it.  Yeah, I'm never getting it.

Screw you, EA.  You're a monster.

"You Can Do Better"

Nobody gets how hard it hits when you're just not perfect.  Only perfect is good enough.  You're told it over and over again, maybe not outright, but it's there.

So whenever I don't get 100% on a test, whenever I don't have an A in a class, whenever I do not do good enough, and only perfection is good enough, it hurts.

So I go home, to try and hold the pieces together another day, another night, another time of not being what others see me as.

A little tape there, a little glue here, all to delay the inevitable avalanche when I finally break and give up, aching from all my people-pleasing.

"You can do better."  I've heard those words a million times, how I clearly am not doing good enough because I can do better.  How a B is not an A, and I can get an A.  Not just an A, but an A+, and only an A+, my very best, is good enough!

Maybe it's not my very best.  Maybe a B is the best I can do.

I am lazy, worthless, stupid, a waste of space.  I can do better but I'm not, so I must be doing something wrong.  I must be lazy because I choose to write instead of do homework.  I must be stupid because x and y does not equal z and I've done the calculations over and over again and can't get it right.  I must be worthless because at my conception, all that happened was some cell division and DNA shifting and I am not doing good enough.  I am wasting oxygen better given to people who've won Nobel prizes, people who have accomplished things.

I can do better.  I shoot for the stars, land on the moon, and all I hear is "you can do better, you can do better, you can do better!"  Because the moon isn't good enough, millions of miles from Earth, I have to reach the lightyears, I have to go so far and then it's just farther, spiraling out of control like my dreams that most people would see as nightmares.  Dreams where it's just me, alone, but finally with that silence I can find peace.

I play music loud, louder, bursting it so that maybe I can burst, trying to drown out all the noise of "you can do better".  That's not good enough, because you can do better.

No, I can't.

Maybe this is all I am.  Me.  I always try and be a better person, always try to improve, but maybe this is as close to perfect as I can get.  Maybe my best isn't an A but a C.  Maybe I need to breathe, take a deep breath, run as fast as I can and let go of all this nonsense of 'not perfect'.

"You can do better" isn't comforting or encouraging or whatever you think it may be.  It is a murderous, back-breaking phrase that will destroy me and whoever else you use it on.

We don't need to hear "you can do better" for the millionth time.  We need to hear, "You've done good enough", "You've succeeded", "You've done a good job".  Not "you can do better", because that's just "it's not good enough, try again" in another turn of phrase.  It's another way to break and to control.

We need to hear "You've done well."  We need to hear "You've done it."  Not that we can do a better job in this mysterious "next time" you keep going on about.  But that, as we are, we're good enough.  We don't need perfection.  We just need to be us.

Run

I will not be describing this because it does not need to be described.  All you need to know is that there is cussing (including lots of the use of the f-word), sexually explicit language and pictures, and please use caution.  If you are uncomfortable (and not ridiculously curious like yours truly) with any of those described do not read below.  Thank you.

And some articles provide comments.  Comments are terrible and mean.  And occasionally informative.  Read those comments at your own risk.  (Hey, I'm on a warning roll!  Might as well warn everyone about everything terrible!)

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2011/04/21/state-funded-mass-sex-ed-website-hey-girls-getting-an-abortion-is-much-easier-than-it-sounds/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9Zj9yx2j0Y#t=15
http://www.lifenews.com/2013/05/19/man-takes-14-year-old-to-planned-parenthood-for-abortion-to-hide-rape/
http://illinoisfamily.org/110files/uploads/2013/05/Its-Perfectly-Normal.pdf (this is advertised for "kids and teens".  It contains images of both naked girls and boys along with sexually explicit text and is just... SO inappropriate.  Its saving grace: "no means no".  Thank you.)
http://illinoisfamily.org/education/glen-ellyn-middle-school-embroiled-in-book-controversy/ (And I wanted to read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".  Haha...  Seriously, the PARENTAL CONSENT FORMS aren't censorship.  Teachers refusing to allow kids to read books is censorship.  The GOVERNMENT blocking books is censorship.)
http://illinoisfamily.org/110files/uploads/2013/05/Compliant_curriculum.pdf
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/09/10/how-young-is-too-young-to-learn-sex-ed-in-school/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuT87shgajg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sRYz7IDru0