Thursday, January 24, 2013

Talking in Circles

How do I describe what I'm feeling?  Something concrete.  I'm so used to writing a poem, at least where it will be public, that I don't know what I can say.
I feel sort of... I don't know.  I guess the word to sum it all up doesn't exist.  It's a bunch of bits and pieces that co-exist, even though you'd think that they could never be together.  It feels like... I'm tearing, a bit.  Tearing at the seams.  I'm figuring things out.  And I have so much more to learn.
I had it all thought out, somehow, and then I forgot it.  I guess writing isn't something to put off, not even know.  Emotions are as powerful as tidal waves, but much quicker to leave.  Or much longer to linger.  Sometimes, even, both.
I'm sitting here with a cat in my lap.  Pretty sure this is the longest she's stayed in my lap without constant thinking.  Maybe Babey knows.  Maybe she just needs me as much as I need her.  That'd be new.
I fit everywhere but belong nowhere.  I work so hard to get along with everyone... except it's not effort.  It's just me.  I care about people; I can't really help it... I can't help that I have so much emotion that the logic is just sort of a facade I put up.  I am an emotional creature.  I go with more what feels right than what seems right.  There's a difference.
Like, God and Jesus Christ.  It feels right.  He's my Savior; Heavenly Father sent Him, His only begotten Son, to die for us.  And He did, willingly.  But it doesn't feel right for homosexuality to be wrong.  It doesn't feel right for something that someone can't help to be wrong.  And love is love, and in Heaven suddenly the love between two people is... gone?  or changed?  Suddenly a woman and a woman, or a man and a man, who kissed and went on dates and who cared for each other, suddenly that's no longer applicable?
Maybe I'll just forfeit the afterlife.  There's so many questions and for some of my questions... the answers are highly unappealing.  I'll forfeit the afterlife, yeah.  I'd like to see that happen.  Be left, wandering, through worlds and time and never fade to oblivion or go to Heaven or whatever.  It's an interesting thought.
Fading to oblivion feels wrong.  Being nothing. Your experience, your memories, your self... gone, poof!  That feels wrong.  I don't think people who think that's what happens have ever... imagined it.  There's nothing.  There's no you.  And... you don't matter.  Life doesn't matter.  Nothing matters; there's no purpose or reason.
Any other afterlife explanation, there's still... something.  Hope.  Light at the end of the tunnel, or at least still you.
And all this crap is probably pissing people off or at least going way above their heads, but whatever.  My blog, I can do what I want.  And I need to let steam off.
I should be doing homework and chores, but... this is more important.  Mental health first, yeah?  Though I'm sure people disagree.  But whatever.  Opinions are opinions.
Agree to disagree.
For once let's look at everything with wonder.  I want to do that, all the time.  It's like - it's all magic, in a way.  I want things to be without description.  Being a kid is so easy in some ways... there's still wonder in the world.
That wonder goes away as you realize the world is a cruel, cruel place.  It's not fair.  It's never fair.  But then, I don't think anyone knows what fair is.  Would it be better, or worse?  That's a good question...
I guess, all that's left, are questions.  And really all you can do is feel your way through them.  Logic, knowledge, whatever... It isn't really effective.  In the end it comes down to what you do in that moment, and everyone knows what that is.
If it's not instinct, it's emotion.

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