Nothing

you don't let me feel anything
for heaven's sake, rach, calm down
because of your temper fit you have to do all of them now
even a retard can do it
it's so simple

pressing down, words she says,
as if they're supposed to brush off,
as if i'm supposed to be okay,
but how can i be?

i'm supposed to be so strong
the one who comforts all the rest
if i killed myself,
she'd let herself die;
he'd have nothing to hold on to.

i'm 18 years old
i shouldn't be responsible for anyone
no-one but me.

so i've made half-assed promises,
and these are the only ones i regret
that i won't go out seeking scars
that i won't play with my life.
i wish i never made them.

it seems i get the bad deal.
every single time.
i'm the one to apologize.
i'm the sturdy rock,
i don't let them fall.

i wrap myself in layers,
and then i crack and feel.
and at the sadness everyone runs away from me.

how hard is it to let myself open up
at the only times i can
2 people in the entire world
who actually care about
me
and miles away, miles away,
so far i can't touch them once.

i get that she has to be a mom
she has to raise me up
but i'm 18 now and i'm trying so hard
to be everything an "adult" needs to be
plus all the bits and pieces that are me.

it never matters, does it?
i can try so much optimism,
but from other people come the negativity.

all i can find in me
is hatred of myself
and pure misery.

they have it so much worse than me
and here i am, wallowing in self-pity.
i will never achieve anything.

i'll die young, and stop wasting space.
i'll die young, and stop being worthless.

but death scares me,
because i'd have to deal with afterlife.

i wish i could be nothigness.
never feel, never know.
just gone, poof, and in the only way to be okay.

i'll die young, and break hearts.
i wish i wasn't responsible
for other people's happiness
for other people's life.

i'll die young, and this anxiety
and hatred
will all go away.

no more worries, no more stress,
no chance of it getting better -
but then, if i'm dead, it can't get worse.

i'm useless.
i'm worthless.
i don't help anyone.
i'm broken.
i'm hateful.
i'll say my good-byes.

no more responsibility.
no more freedom.
no more fears
no more hope
just
empty
nothignness.
that's my paradise.
that's my heaven.

so please, god, let me feel nothing.