Sunday, February 10, 2013

I have been mildly depressed for the past two weeks.  And sick for the last three. Luckily one or two more days and it'll be gone (I can sing without sounding awful and hacking my head off).

The depression sort of started on Monday.  My mom had to go to the hospital.

And I'm scared.  I really am.  What if I have what she has?  It's a congenital heart disorder and that means I have a 50% chance of having it.

I've started to have back problems, and I may have vertigo.  I don't want this.  I was healthy.

And then, of course, I'm fat.

It always cycles back around to that.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be thin.  I am beautiful... Now I want other people to see that.  I want to have children.  I want to improve my mental - and now, physical - problems.

But then I don't.  Oh, chocolate.  Oh, ice cream.  Oh, bread.  Yup.  Freaking bread.
And I see veggies.  I could grab and chomp in less time than a bag of popcorn.  I love clementines.  I have them!  And apples, and cucumbers, and edamame, and soybeans, brocolli, cauliflower - so much stuff.
And I'm not going for it.  I want to hit myself on the head.  Why the heck?

I think everything's scaring me.  My mom scares me, and I'm worried about her, and... I'm overwhelmed.  I'm in tenth grade.
The hardest year of my life so far.  Not socially, but workload - heck yes.  It's kind of killing me.

And my dreams.  My hopes.  My talents.  I have a guitar collecting dust in the corner; I could get it out, spend 15 minutes a day.  Get good at it; write songs - not just the lyrics.
I could practice drawing.  Just a little.  A bit at a time.  Get good at it, instead of pretty bad like I am now.
I could excersize.  30 minutes a day (except Sunday).  Be healthy, be strong, improve this apparent beginnings of vertigo and back issues.
But then I just don't.

Even when I don't have the computer, I choose a book.  I laze around.  I neglect homework - procrastinate - even when I'm not on here.  And on the computer I could be working on coding.  Game-making.  Drawing with a mouse.

I have a game to help improve my drawing, for Pete's sakes, my mom bought it, and it's on the wii.  It would take practically no effort to just do one activity one, twice a week maybe.

I could work on cooking from scratch and find healthy alternatives to the foods I love.  I could work with my mom on that.  I could experiment with recipes - like for cookies - to have less sugar and butter in them and still taste delicious.  Get my mom's help.

But all of that, none of that... I'm just...
Why aren't I doing things that would be just so simple?

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Sweetie. You know I'd give my life for you if it would make the hard things disappear. I am here and I will do whatever you'd like me to do to help you. Once tax season is over, I'll be able to spend more time doing things with you, too. I love you more than life, my angel. You are the greatest blessing of my entire life. Love, Mama