Dying Inside

I've seen the colors splashed on the walls
Finger-paints of God
and I feel like a doll
Growing dusty and cold
Empty of life of soul of hope of faith
I'm dying inside.

I can't say it straight,
so I say it distant,
acting as though I'm fine.
With a smile, faked, like any other time,
Breaking down.

It's the music and the soul, I'm opening a Pandora's Box,
Anything can happen, it's true.
Anything can happen.  Let it be true.
I write and it's strange,
how when I was young I used it to express
and now I hide under words
fancy and plain,
adorned with hope that I'll be okay.

My shield is cracking.

I want someone to see.
Nobody sees.
I've hidden to well.

So if I'm broken tomorrow, if I finally give up,
Just let me be, I have that right,
Don't I deserve some peace?

The worst kind of narcissism is what I believe
I haven't done a freaking thing.

I'm torn up inside.

Anything I do, selfish,
is the worst act I've done.

I preach love, I pray for others to understand they matter,
and then I break, I hate, but only myself,
My love goes to the others and I don't know what to do,

When I'm clear-cut like this, no metaphors and riddles,
I'm dying inside, I'm breaking more.

I can't let anyone see.

I'm torn up inside, my shield is cracking,
I won't let you see me break.

It's sad when you wake up every day
And feel all this pain.
You'd think all the medications would help me some but
They help me some it's never enough.

I lie and I pretend because I don't know what else to do.

I'll never be fixed, I'll never be whole,
I'm finding my faith waver.
I believe in God, I know He's real,
Maybe He loved us once but He's tired now,
And he's judgmental and temperamental and I'm just done.

Can't I ever run away?
I don't ever want to be saved.