"To illustrate how horrible it was, being in jail in a wheelchair with four broken limbs after the car accident that prompted me to get sober eight years ago was much, much easier and less painful."
Depression is the most debilitating, destructive, and draining illness you could ever possibly come across. It is painful. It starts in the soul and mind and spreads outward to body.
Happiness cannot fight it. Wanting happiness, wanting to be at peace, wanting to be happy - it does not make it disappear.
Sure, faith can help. God will help you. Jesus will carry you.
But prayer cannot make depression disappear. All the well-wishing in the world cannot fix it.
Because you say:
I am worthless. I do not deserve to be loved. I am terrible.
So we say things to comfort.
Suicide is neither a choice nor not a choice. It is something in gray.
I need suicide, for me, to not be a choice. To be something that happens when I am despairing, so that the guilt - that never leaving guilt - doesn't drown me.
Depression is hard, harder than anything. Fill your life with love. Don't judge someone who hurts, or someone who is dying inside - dead inside. An empty endlessness. A wasteland of the soul.
Stop yelling, and listen.