Sunday, August 28, 2011

And People Wonder Why I'm So Emotional

It's their fault.
Because, with actions, I've been told that I'm not trustworthy, that I'm unimportant, that I'm not talented or beautiful or even worthwhile.  That I'm hopeless and not worth working for, only worth giving up on.
Not everything says this of course, and I can't blame everyone else.  No, it's how I've inferred every compliment someone else has referred, every time someone tries to help me out with my weight when I'm telling them I know how, every time someone has turned away because I'm crying or upset, every time someone has told me something (other then constructive critism, which isn't negative in my opinion) negative about my writing, every time someone has refused my help, every time someone just walks out on me, every time nobody gives me a compliment about something I'm thrilled with.  Now, there's a LOT of specific times, especially recently when life is rough, but I'm not going to say them because mentioning names or people is wrong.
Every time I'm compared with someone who keeps doing bad things.
And that's what hurts.  And that's what's wrong.  All the actions that people think are harmless and how much they hurt.  That's why my heart is pretty much split in two with self-hatred and sadness and anger and hatred of others, with the other split into love of self and others and happiness and calm and peace.
Because guess what.  Every little word you say, every little action you do... it counts.

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