Tuesday, January 27, 2015


I got a new job.
And I love it.  I adore it.  I am working with kids, in a warm environment, with people who are kind and I think understanding of my peer-related shyness.

But I am so bone-weary.  Two days in and I am absolutely exhausted.

Not just from the lack of sleep, and I am sleeping less because I need to have my mind not feel like it's going to explode so I write and play games and relax, but...
It's deeper.

And I don't want to quit.  But I feel so inadequate, and I am so tired, and I want this job more than anything.  But I am not sure I can handle a job and school.

But I have to.
Welcome to reality, me.

It's shit.

Just got to see this through.  Got to have a job.  My mom's been upset and irritated because I didn't have one.  I have no choice.  I love this job.  It's good.  I have a relationship with some of the kids.  Keep on keepin' on.

Monday through Thursday, for around three hours.  Sometimes less, sometimes more.  That's not a lot.  I can't imagine next week it'll be more than four days either.
It's easy.  Certainly not the 36 hours my mom worked while going to school.

But I'm more sad than before, more easily upset, more depressed.  I am exhausted.

And the thing is I feel so inadequate.  Today I was sluggish.  Slow.  Luckily there's two of us, but I should have been the one leaping into action when someone was in trouble.  I'm new.  I need to prove myself.

But I registered it minutes later.
I do a terrible job of sweeping.  I try, I really do, but I'm just... not good.
(at anything)

I have to handle this mentally.
But I'm not sure I can.
And I am sick of that.
Six years is enough.
Can I get rid of this depression thing already?

If only it were easy.

No comments:

Post a Comment