Thursday, January 8, 2015

I was reading this for where these ideas come from.


Suicide is absolutely brave, somewhat selfish, and the sign of a broken person.

As someone who has both contemplated and attempted suicide, let me tell you: it is not an easy choice.  It is one where you debate, and think, and wonder.  You have to determine whether the fact you are a burden is worse than the fact people love you.

Depression clouds the mind.  You do not think straight.  You are a burden, you do not question this.  You question whether you are loved.  It gets to the point - at least it did for me - where every time someone is not happy, content, with you they must hate you.  There is no in-between; it becomes horribly, horribly black and white, in the absolute worst way.
And then it becomes black and gray: they either hate you or dislike you.  There stops being love.  Despair rises.

Depression clouds the mind; you are miserable, miserable.  You could have a million dollars, be surrounded by family and friends, but there is no joy.  There is no happiness, there is only pain and worry and empty eyes that have lost any soul or spirit.  Moving is impossible.

Depression's worse course is apathy.  Suicide?  Suicide is breaking.  Apathy is destruction.  It is the point where you lay and bed.  You stop caring - you stop caring about life, about yourself, about others.  You stop caring about pain.  You become completely, utterly emotionless.  If someone gave you food and made you eat you'd eat.  If they pulled you out of bed you'd get out of bed.  You don't care enough to live or die.  It is amazing.  And then it starts sucking, big time.

Anger and hate and rage; these are what come first when you rise from the apathetic shithole of your mind.  Not even sadness; no, it's self-hate and anger at the world as you rage and scream.  But it feels so good, so different from the lack of caring.

Happiness comes last, and it is brief and short and flickering.  It is easily forgotten.  It is the least of your emotions, and sadness, pure misery, the most.

By people saying that those who commit suicide are scared, by saying they do nothing for the world, by saying that suicide is a good thing - they are all wrong.  You're missing the point.

Suicide is the ultimate compilation of pain, alongside apathy and numbness.  Either one is so beyond emotions anyone who has not attempted or contemplated suicide can understand; let alone those who actually die from suicide.

You are alone.  You are not scared.  You are in a black pit of despair by yourself where nobody would help you.  Selfishness is not suicide; selfishness is the people who do not help the ones in this pit up, who do not allow them their sadness at times and at other times trying to make them smile and remember that they can be happy and misery is not eternal.

But suicide is, in and of itself, a selfish act.  It is not selfish, I say, and at the same time I say that it is.  Because the people you leave behind will hurt, but also you cannot take it any more.

And for those of you so lost in this mess, this hellhole, look up.  Suicide is a terrible thing.  It has become a statistic.  It is not moving mountains as it should; it does not cause change except to lose the people we want in the world.
An early death is a horrible death, whether from suicide or cancer.  An early death is always caused by an incurable disease or terrible accident, and it is always always sad.  Old age?  Death of old age?  It's sad but at least they lived as long as they could.

Do not tell me that suicide is good; but neither can you tell me that suicide is caused by fear and that it is awful.

When you're there, when you're in that black pit, sometimes it's the only option.

We need to make suicide an unstatistic and a meaningful act.

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